It’s a strong, elegant masterful declaration in search of an austere and knowledgeable People. Unfortunately, only a few can claim to have ever read the document in full or to have ever even heard that such a document exists. After having been smuggled across the nation and nailed to the bronze Columbus doors of our Capitol Building in Washington, D.C., said document was blindly torn down by a groundskeeper and discarded without ceremony. However, a copy had been preserved on a discarded hard drive and we have posted it here - mostly complete - in tabs 1 thru 6 on the navigation menu. We must admit, it is no less than a reworking of modern American Greatness; a modern-day Preamble and Declaration of Impending Perfection, a document squared, centered and leveled on foundational enhancements to the four cornerstones of our Republic. The Stated Improvements prove necessary to each of the Three Branches of Our Government: Legislative, Executive and Judicial. And improvements prove equally necessary to the unspoken Fourth - our Electoral Process - which is, arguably, the most important of the four. Beyond this simplicity, any one of these cornerstones could serve as the necessary balance required for the whole Damn Plan of what surely is an American Monarchy to last a thousand years. Our Future King - James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig the First - has proudly authored this document in full, wielding the Chaos of Common Sense as his only sword and the First Amendment as his only shield.

We beg consideration for the following quick premise: It’s too late for a 48.

We rail toward 2028 in search of such a number but alas, it is too late for such a nicety as yet another Elected Official. Another President just won’t do. Our White House, with but one wing clipped and leveled into the dust, is but a wounded bird of vicious nullitude, and no Ball Room, however fine, lovely and gilded, can bring our Nation back into its’ proper balance and so, too it was with the open border idiocy that came before. This is the fault of both Parties - the Ignorant Jackassery of the one, the Elephantine Greed of the other. And let’s give both Parties their proper due, each is a side in a hall of mirrors and vice-versa, too. Who but a King can correct such malfeasance? Who can bring to bear the required leadership to course correct?

We can think of only one man.

Our dear Crown Prince of Common Sense - The One, The Only - James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig The First.

On this most auspicious day, we will respect your time and offer a simple update from our garden space inside the Fourth Estate.

We’ve recalled our reporters from Los Angeles and New York; so, too from Washington, DC and Des Moines. And Rome, Berlin and Paris are now without our wordy shadow. Our offices in Cairo, Bangkok, and Istanbul are now empty. From Cape Town in the South to Nuuk in the North, we have abandoned all effort to make sense of a senseless world. It is a sheer madness of infinite riots and endless crime sprees, a world of Mostly Peaceful Arson and Careerist extremes. These things overwhelm Our Nation and Our World. Of course, we’d like to slip our Scoop Key into the Secret Lock of Horrors and showcase the stories deserving of a certain journalistic recompense - stories of graft, bribery, and fraud, of high crimes and misdemeanors of which, sad to say, not enough iotas of specific attention have been given. And even when attention is given, it seems only to give rise to the tide of the political class and no corrective measures are ever taken. However, the hard work entailed in gathering reliable sources, engaging in the research required to discover the narrative facts and explanatory motives will no longer spin the wheel of profit. And on that wheel, we find ourselves no more than a broken spoke, a bit of twisted steel, snapped in half to endure a feckless penury. However, this is no different a tale than any other to come down through the ages. It is a simple grind of time, infinite and unbiased, and no matter how much we wish to inform ourselves and the public at large that time has, indeed, run out, the hard truth is that time has merely run us over. Time is simply indifferent and quietly infinite and we are neither. We are the Impervious Past stuck in the Present and we are Overdue. And yet, still, we’ve made some strange empyrean deadline with time to spare. There’s yet a single story to tell as we hurdle toward our 250th year of American Independence and so, we must now plead a different path for our Nation’s future. We do hereby Demand American Monarchy Now! Our Crown Prince of Common Sense - James Ehrlichman Reinhard Koenig the First - must take his rightful place upon the American Throne. Yes, it’s a Big Story. And we’ll do our best to cover it but that being said, there’s just too much info out there anyhow, and as we all know, space on the internet is limited.

STAFF WRITER -

It’s much more than just a too-cool-for-school brookish attempt at something different. It’s all a big dig, last ditch, float a boat at 40 cubits, sink or swim kind of gig. And indeed, it’s all float or choke and there is no second place; there’s just birth and breath and death and all that breathing in-between. And back in the old days, with an Off-Air Indian telling you it was time to go to bed, to stay tucked in between the sheets and dreaming those Big American Dreams, you might’ve figured things would fall in place, one way or the other, things would click and stick just like they had for Mom and Dad.

But alas, that was the high American comedy, the Greek tragedy, 22 minutes of laugh track riot leading on to nowhere, to the land of less and less until you wanted just a little bit more. It was all seamless and dreamless, a big e-z installment plan, get rich quick and pay as you go and plenty of credit cards, too. And the whole damn machine started running on Screw You and there was nothing to do because no one was sure it ever really happened. And if it had, nobody was sure what happened or what had gone wrong or was anything even gone wrong at all? But nothing was quite right and folks leaned into the wind to hear the laugh track but there was no laughter. There was only something like a wicked little giggle. And what you heard were those Dastardly Bastards pushing the big greed deeds of trickle down economics and free capital gains - all tax cuts and write-offs and aren’t you happy? But it turns out, those Dastardly Bastards were only half the chorus and only half the Bastards. The other half were The Gimme Bastards, and those fiends were pushing their own high proof Jackassery of Big Government Snake Oil and if you’re down and out and facing the either/or with only a vote then only a vote you’ll give. But it never rides out quite right. Never has. Never will. No matter what they say, they just don’t really mean it. If they did, they would’ve done something like it on their own. In the end, it’s all a matter of greed and ego, ego and greed and all those Big New Dealing Gimme Up-By-The-Boot Strapping Bastards don’t get anything done and they all kind of blend into one and so there is no Republican Party or Democrat Party and there isn’t even a UniParty. There’s only a Toga Party beneath that golden Roman Dome in dear D.C. One big giant kegger, and all those kids are liquored up right and tight on big lies and other people’s money. They’re important don’t you know and the Party never ends. And that’s ok, yes indeed, because yet again I leaned into the wind and I did hear that laugh track riot and that mad little giggle and dear ol’ Minerva, that she-blast from the past, right out of Old Rome, did tell me,

“By proclamation of Past Caesars he will be King!”

Who? Him?

‘Better believe! It’s Jim!”

And so I damn sure do believe and it was like a bolt out of the blue that struck me:

James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig.

The one. The Only. THE FIRST.

And so now I know and here’s a hearty Go King Jim Go!

The Plan stands. The Plan is no big deal and it’s not a new deal or an old deal just a big old crap load of Most Sensible Ideas brought to you by our Crown Prince of Common Sense. So, here we go again, on our way to Washington D.C., to nail these Bright Ideas into the bronze Columbus doors of our Capital Building one more time - and like our TV Indian would occasionally opine - PLEASE STAND BY.

We, being the hopeless, lost, desperate, fearful, taxpaying Concubine Bastards of the Federal Government, have decided to lay claim to certain infamy and offer our support to James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig The First, our Crown Prince of Common Sense and future King of these United States. Although this may seem a bit deluded, rambunctious, misguided and somewhat ill-considered, and just a touch Un-Constitutional, we have come to realize we have no choice in this matter and hope you might take time to touch a tab and read our Nostra Apologia. Our Crown Prince of Common Sense is our only hope. Sure, it might be a lean hope but take a look around - do you see any other hero on the horizon? Of course not. Anyhow, the news room isn’t yet quite up to speed but it is being staffed up as we speak and soon we will be bringing you and the rest of our dear readers in-depth coverage of this most courageous stand. And so, we, being the said-same hopeless, lost, desperate, fearful taxpaying Concubine Bastards, do offer up HANDSOMOCITY as our low touch of guilt on the hilt of the imperial sword that points bravely onward. We’re not quite sure what that means but we promise a firm grip. We thank you for your time, America.