95 THESES FOR THE REFORMATION OF THE AMERICAN REPUBLIC

THE DAMN PLAN

Spoken, written and transcribed in the Original Latin

The Universal Language of Ubiquity, Antiquity and Mnemonic Miracle

And Translated into English For Your Convenience

As originally set forth on All Hallow's Eve

and then hammered with brass tack via tin foil hat

into the bronze Columbus Doors of The Capital Building in Washington, D.C.

(which is somewhere over the ocean and to the left and west of Our Dear Wittenberg)

and without purge or scourge and ever so safely and with greatest caution,

without rancor or malice or vile rebellion of heart

but with prudence, piety and careful aforethought

with but the Dirge of Sweetest Urge upon our lips

And thanks be to Nature!

For it is only for Her Call that this Action Would and Could Only Be Taken

whilst a certain Capital Police Lieutenant was having an

On-The-Clock-Lost-Glock Moment

After Having Black Coffee and Prune Danish

And So, May His Tummy Not Growl and His Bowels Not Howl

And may the good Lieutenant, known unto his throne, forever keep a most regular hour

And thereby, in his own estimation, Continue to Save Countless Lives

And so, we hail thee Dear America, with humble rectitude and utmost good

in a spirit of peace, harmony and most tranquil repose,

we offer the only hope we know,

'Go King Jim Go!'

THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH

1 TERM LIMITS

No person shall serve more than twelve years in the United States Congress, in the Senate or in the House or bodies combined. There shall be allowed no more than six 2 year terms in the House and no more than two 6 year terms in the Senate or any combination thereof, not to exceed twelve years in Congress as a whole. This shall also apply to the non-voting members of the House.

Any former or current member of The House or Senate, whether having served a total of 12 years or any number of years less - either through term limits, electoral defeat or for any health, personal or professional reason or issue or who is currently still seated - may NOT run for elected office on either the state or local level, including all territories and Washington D.C. Former members may run for President and no former President or Vice President may run for election for House or Senate. If a current member of The House decides to run for Senate, or a member of The Senate decides to run for The House, they may not simultaneously seek re-election to their current office and no Governor or Legislative body of any state may appoint a replacement, however they may appoint a nominee for the election to occur if no primary has been scheduled.

No former elected official may be appointed to any cabinet position or appointed as a judge on the local, state or federal level or for any other government job on the local, state or federal level, or for any job where taxes are used to supplement salary, bonuses or any other form of financial gain. No former member may serve as a paid advisor or receive any remuneration for any political service or for any type of government work or any federal civil service job, nor shall they serve as any paid member of any corporate board, for charity or for profit or work for any firm that profits from lobbying or public relations for a term no less than twelve years after leaving office.

2 AGE LIMITS

Our nation has been in the hoary grip of an extended adolescence that is neither fruitful nor meaningful. It has only bled further upward through the decades. There is, now, no acceptance of senescence and eventual demise. There is no belief in the inevitable downward spiral that is both physical and mental by varying degree. Sixty is not the new forty and forty is not the new thirty and thirty never was nineteen or twenty and like it or not, eighty is crazy and damned near dead. And just to score the point, life expectancy in the U.S. is currently 77.28 years, but for the sake of a cheeseburger and fries, let's round down to 75. Age is ever onward and upward until the aging is no more. The path of old age is one of dissolution and confusion until the breath of death breezes across the brow.

However, before we die, we live. And as a round-about norm,- a norm that is never guaranteed - life is a Triptych, a three panel work of art painted as we age:

Our Youth - from conception to twenty-five years of age.

Our Middle Age - from twenty-five to fifty years of age.

Our Old Age - from fifty to seventy-five years of age.

And if we've been fortunate enough in life to paint all three panels, then we start a fourth panel and we attempt to make our life a Quadriptych. Mostly this panel is never finished, the lines waver, the paint blots, the shapes don't hold and we die. If we make it to a hundred, and that's a huge 'if', and start a fifth panel, rest assured, that panel will not get finished. But anyhow, not to worry, you probably won't start it to begin with. But it is important to note, that a well balanced and dynamic life, led in good focus, is in accordance with the Rule of Thirds, and this holds true no matter the age you finally make. Paint a good and honest picture if you can. And you will if you think about it. Life is only tic-tac-toe - a game of naughts and crosses - a simple game of planning and persistence.

Now, if you aren't all that much into art or the rule of thirds or Triptychs or Quadriptychs, you can look at life as a football game.

First Quarter - conception to fifteen years of age.

Second Quarter -from fifteen to thirty years of age.

Third Quarter - from thirty to forty-five years of age.

Fourth Quarter - from forty-five to sixty years of age.

However, unlike a football game, there is no half-time and there is no reprieve and nobody calls a time-out. Middle Age gets to cranking in that second quarter and Old Age really gets to rolling in the fourth. There's more than a fair share of bad calls for everybody and you'll drop the ball more than once and if you get lucky, there might even be a cheerleader. There will be an occasional inspirational speech, so go ahead and win one for the Gipper. But you won't win one for the Gipper because no one ever really does. But if you're lucky enough to still be standing as those last seconds of the fourth quarter tick down to nowhere - you might look up at that big scoreboard in the sky and see you've tied the game. And good for you! That's great! You made it to sixty! But the game is not over and only gets harder and henceforth every second of every minute of every day is now played in Sudden Death Overtime. If you can, get to Vegas and bet your bottom dollar against yourself, now is the time to do it. You won't even have to throw the game. You're gonna lose. Because everybody has, everybody will and everybody does and, sooner or later, we all end up out-of-bounds on the actuary table. So, don't even worry about those winnings and - rest in peace - your loved ones are gonna pick up the tab on the taxes owed to Uncle Sam.

Or, I guess we could look at our lives as a baseball game, but the damn clock ran out before I could pitch that dumb idea.

And if you must, you can look at life as a soccer match and that's pretty easy, too. Just run around and kick the ball until you drop dead on a grassy field of bad dreams. Yes, just like soccer life is awfully stupid and at times, even a mind-numbing nightmare, and it can seem kind of dull and boring and useless, too. But somewhere along the line, you just might score a goal. It's a lot like golf in that regard, somedays you make par, somedays you might get lucky enough to be under it. And sooner or later - you get a hole in one! But really that's no great shakes because you are the hole in one. You'll get shanked, wedged and hooked by iron and sliced into the sky by a big wood driver, you'll get stuck in the sand trap and sunk with a plunk in the water hazard, your life will be putted away day by day by that Big Great Golfer of Life called Time, and you are nothing more than the slow roll of an ever humble Titleist, that sooner or later, just drops into the grave. Just like a Hole in One! There may or may not be a 19th Hole. No one knows for sure.

And although the wise and honest and good take these truths to heart as they age, the politically ambitious never do. There is a certain functionless depravity to any aged politician that can only be summed up as ageless ambition, a wicked thing of eternal youth, dangerously grasped in the death grip of a dying hand - and this is a most perilous combination - the risk lies in the desperation of the ever aging political mind and the inevitable incontinence of logical thought. So, let us not be soiled by the mortal coil of Maxine Waters or Mitch McConnel or Sheila Jackson Lee, nor let us forget Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer or Grassley or Risch. Let us not forget Bernie Sanders or Markie or Mitt Romney. Let us always be wary of the Machiavellian mind in its final sunset. And so, let this order be put forth and forever followed on pain of being Peter Panned and Captain Hooked:

NO PERSON, HAVING BEEN DULY ELECTED OR APPOINTED, TO THE U.S. HOUSE OR SENATE, MAY SERVE ANY FULL TERM BEYOND THEIR 68th BIRTHDAY.

* Any member past the age limit will not be allowed to run for re- election at end of current term, nor shall any member past the age limit and currently running for re-election be allowed to assume office.

3 CONGRESSIONAL PAY REFORM

No salary of any House Member or Senator shall ever exceed the median income of the United States. An appropriate401k plan will be offered while employed with a government match of 100 percent. And of course, members will receive due credit for social security. Health Insurance will be provided by the Affordable Care Act. As a part of pay reform the Ban Congressional Stock Trading Act must pass.

To ensure its' passage, please contact both your House Representative and Senator. And although the ban on Congressional stock trading is not yet law, the Stop Trading on Congressional Knowledge (STOCK) Act is and has been since 2012. CapitolTrades keeps a pretty good eye on the trading habits of our politicians.

4 PUBLIC TAX RETURNS

All local, state and federal taxes paid by House and Senate members and their staff employees are to be made public on a dedicated website and each House member and Senator shall mail a copy of their local, state and federal tax filings to each member of their state or district. Each member of the U.S. Congress has a franking privilege and it will be put to good use. The President and Vice President, as well as all Cabinet Members and Under Secretaries are subject to this same provision, though only the President and Vice President will be required to mail a physical copy of said returns through the mail to every household. The Law of The Frozen Ham is ever heavy. More on that later.

5 THE APPORTIONMENT ACT OF 1929

To Be Repealed

The People's House should represent the People. The minimum size of any Congressional district will not be less than thirty-thousand and the maximum size of any Congressional district will not exceed fifty-thousand. The House members are out of touch and lobbyists and special interest groups are a malicious stand-in for the rightful constituency. Every Congressional district in these United States will have an entire population capable of being seated inside the NFL's smallest stadium with room to spare. The smallest NFL stadium is Chicago's Soldier Field with a seating capacity of 61,500. This will make it more likely for a House member to address his whole district at one time wherever a stage and an appropriate sound system can be set up and a large venue, such as a sports stadium, is within driving distance. Every House member needs to face his voters in the round as a whole body unto itself. However, if this proves impossible, a smaller venue can be used, and if such a venue has a seating capacity of 1,000 the representative could hold a series of fifty town hall meetings (at most) to equal the population of the voting district. This will be a legally required duty of our representatives in the House. Senators will be required to hold such townhall meetings until at least one-third of all state districts have been personally and directly addressed by said Senator in a single year and no one Senator may cover the same district of another Senator in any given year. The following year of the Senator's term, the remaining districts will be addressed and the town hall meetings will continue, addressing each district each year until at least one-third of all districts are addressed in any given year. All constituents will have the opportunity to be addressed directly by their House Representative or Senator without travel to Washington, D.C. Mileage of House Members will reimbursed at the rate of .37 cents per mile. Senators will receive the same. Frozen ham to be provided by venue.

The Senate will also increase in size and the size of the Senate shall be kept at the current ratio of 1:4.35.

Interesting Fact - per Chat GPT - "The U.S. House of Representatives has had a membership of 435 since 1913, according to the Apportionment Act of 1911. However, the number of seats was officially capped at 435 by the Reapportionment Act of 1929. There was a temporary increase to 437 from 1959 to 1962 when Alaska and Hawaii were admitted into the Union. So, it’s been over a century since the House of Representatives has had 435 members."

Total Population of 1910 Census - 92,228,496

Total Population of 2020 Census - 331,449,281

This represents a population increase of 239,220,785.

The House is still capped at 435 seats.

The only thing this cap represents is a dangerous disregard for democracy.

Some have the worry of fitting the new House and the new Senate in the Old Capital Building. This is not a worry. They won't fit into the old building. But a new beautiful building will be built and shall henceforth be referred to as the Common Giganticon (Trademark Pending) it will be a stern building of steel and glass, built approximately twenty miles due north of beautiful Belle Forche, South Dakota. And it shall be built in such a manner as to instill a fear of government overreach, and in no way instill a sense of awe and wonder or a reverence of our God Given Rights but rather give us a fear of a sort of godless pervasiveness. It will remind us of our old Politicians and from that lesson we will keep an eye on our New Politicians and in so doing, be brought closer to the necessity of closely guarding our God Given Rights and the comfort of knowing, that after twelve years, they will have their egos adjusted and be forced from Office due to term limits.

Interesting thought - vastly increasing the size of the Congress will most likely bring an end to the Duopoly shared by Democrats and Republicans. For too long our Nation has been limited in its vision by these two parties. This has been to our great detriment. Repealing the Apportionment Act would be a boon to the DAMN Party and with our party seated, we would eventually see our True and Rightful King - James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig The First - ascend to the American Throne that rightfully and truly belongs to him, only him, and him alone. Go King Jim Go!

Learn more about The Apportionment Act of 1929

6 READING SPEED ALLOWANCE

Any bill or measure or resolution, anything to be voted on by the Congress, introduced by either The House or The Senate or The President, will carry the word count and number of pages atop a header on each page. An opposite page header on each page will contain the total number of hours needed to read the document at the speed of 225 words per minute. The total number of hours will also be fixed into a measurement of days, weeks and months and even years if necessary on the same header of hours. The standard page size for all congressional business will be 8.5x11. In order for any reader to make notes, a two inch margin on all sides shall be standard. No vote may be carried out on any matter that is not set into physical print and no vote may be carried out until the reading hours have been apportioned at a rate of one hour per day and such a number of days has passed. This will give The People an opportunity to read any Bill that Congress plans to vote on. Also, and just as important, it will do the same for members of Congress. It is not too much to ask our House members and Senators to read a bill in its entirety before voting on it. To vote on a bill without reading the entire bill is a simple dereliction of duty that in a perfect world, would result in immediate expulsion from the House or Senate.

7 THE OMNIBUS BILL

The Omnibus Bill is The Big Lie, The Golden Calf of Apathy and Confusion, the original bait and switch and sleight of hand. It is the most misleading and most base bucket of homemade sin ever filled to the brim in the hallowed halls of our currently misguided Capitol and, by far, leads the race in malfeasance and coldest deception. The small wicked gods of Credit Card terms, Auto Loans and ISP Terms of Service stare up in awe and weep bittersweet tears of darkest joy at what yet can be accomplished.

Each of the 12 Subcommittees of The Appropriations Committee shall pass an individual budget and debate said budget on the open floor. No excuses. No exceptions.

See the inspiration for the Reading Speed Allowance and the Omnibus ban.

Learn More about The Appropriations House Committee.

8 THE CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE OF AUSTERITY

No member of Congress may lease any private space for a district office and no company, organization, party or individual shall provide such space. All office space will be provided by the federal government at no expense to either House member or Senator. Only abandoned or unused government buildings will be used as office space, and such buildings must stand on land owned by the federal government. When no abandoned or unused federal building exists, room for said office shall be made at a local post office or other federal government building in working order. No Veteran's Hospital will be used for such a purpose and no building used by the CIA, FBI or Dept of Defense will be used either. However, any office space under the aegis of the IRS will be given priority as proper offices for our Elected officials.

No pendant, foreign flag or any banner of any cause - political or otherwise - may be displayed at any members office, either on the walls, the windows or the door or near the door or door frame or on a desktop. Neither shall they be used as screen savers of any sort. One photo of family is permitted. This pertains to hallways, common areas and at Capital Building offices as well as any district office. Each office shall have an American Flag and State Flag both indoors and out.

9 THE CONGRESSIONAL STAFF OF AUSTERITY

No member of Congress shall have a staff exceeding two people. One for answering phones and the other for filing, both are to be able to type and take dictation. Only women will be hired as staff, not because this is women's work but because women are exceedingly better at this work than men. Women are better at most things, excluding boxing, basketball, football, math and science, ageing, MMA, military service, weight loss, money management, cooking, baking, politics, soccer, scientific invention and innovation, gardening, hunting, fishing, feats of strength, continental exploration and space travel, literary or musical endeavors, astronomy, driving and hygiene. In these things women look silly and desperate, vastly overpaid, and underclean. However, feminine grace exceeds masculine strength in the sports of swimming, tennis. golf, volleyball and gymnastics and also in the higher arts of haiku, palm reading, house cleaning and honey-trapping for the CIA. And sometimes even ballet. And of course, as previously stated, they are much better at filing and answering phones than any man could ever hope to be. Men are slothful idiots and one such slothful idiot, Dr. Earl Haas, invented the tampon which proves the old adage that Necessity is the father of invention. Also, men make much better female athletes. No staff member salary shall exceed the pay grade of GS5 or be less than GS4.

10 THE LAW OF CODPIECE AND TASSELS

Henceforth to be known as The Uniform Law Of Cats, each member of Congress shall be required to wear a non-gender conforming unitard that will feature a codpiece for men and nipple tassels for the ladies. The codpiece shall be a shield of Stars and Stripes with a Most Manly Big Bald Eagle clutching Olive Branch and Arrow. The nipple Tassels shall be of a fine silken and super-soft bunting in the colors of red, white and blue. Each unitard will feature both codpiece and tassels so no matter the mood you wake up in - whether it's with a Helen Reddy roar or the he-man groovin' croon of Barry White - the Congressional Unitard has got you covered - mostly. And 'mostly' means it will ride high on the anal cleft, which means, for you deplorables too ignorant to know, it will cling and sing The Song of Thongs and burrow deep into the crack of every ass that takes a seat in our Hallowed Congress. To properly maintain standards of hygiene, each member will receive a set of four unitards - one unitard for each season of the year. The unitard will be a full unitard that will also cover the head and no hat, head scarf or other covering may be placed atop this most noble Congressional Cowl.

The Speaker of The House shall also where a green cape, studded with rhinestones in the pattern of The Statue of Liberty. The President Pro Tempore of The Senate shall also wear a cape, but this cape will be longer, this cape shall be an exact replica of the Greatest Cape ever worn by any man. Yes, it shall be an exact replica of The Las Vegas Elvis Cape. The original cape on display at The Smithsonian will not be worn by any anyone of low moral character and is never to be touched by any past or present politician, or any candidate for Public Office.

Both majority and minority whips of both House and Senate will carry a cat o' nine tails dyed a neon green.

The uniform will be required to be worn whenever the member is in Washington D.C. or in the home district or while abroad in any of the fifty states or U.S. territories or anywhere else in the world while conducting official business, on vacation, attending weddings or funerals, county fairs, concerts, square dances, block parties, shopping for food, firearms, ammo, clothes or cars or trucks, ships, yachts, sailboats or catamarans or private jets or airplanes or jet skis or rollerblades, or any stay in any hospital of any sort as either patient or staff or attending physician, up to and including any religious service (excluding services dedicated to the Prophet Bokono) and/or any christening, baptism or bris, Christmas, Festival of Light, Hannukah or Ramadan service or any other religious service traditionally held on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday or any other day of the week (again, excluding any service dedicated to the Prophet Bokono)

ADDENDUM - there's no damn cat and no damn cradle.

11 CONGRESSIONAL HOUSING

If there is any lesson to be learned, any history truly to take to heart, it is the historic success of HUD in providing wonderful housing to our citizens and the sheer brilliance of making that housing first rate and beyond compare anywhere in the world. May the Architecture of HUD continue to inspire the human spirit and offer a continuance of quiet and silence and a low crime atmosphere in housing projects across the land. As such, HUD will undertake the design of yet another housing project. It is to be an exact replica of The Holmes Tower in New York City but it shall be bigger, big enough to house the entire congress in one building. No House member or Senator need worry about being alone, everyone will have an assigned roommate, decided by a drawing to be held on the House Floor seven days before a new session is scheduled to start. Members of both House and Senate will be required to reside there while Congress is in session. The odd-man-out will NOT get a room alone but will serve as resident 'couch surfer'. Shiela Jackson Lee will permanently serve in the role of Congressional Couch Surfer. Anybody who has the goodness, grace and patience to let this woman stay for more than a single day will be granted extra meal tickets. It is also hoped that the position of permanent Couch Surfer might teach the gentle-lady from Texas a thing or two about manners, niceties and how to get along with people. These things seem kind of important for a politician. But some folks are just kind of mean to begin with but that said, she sure knows how to cuss people out! Non-voting members of The House will be put up in unused broom closets for the duration of session. The members of House and Senate will be held responsible for all cleaning and maintenance tasks. Duties will be assigned at random and let it be duly noted, all tasks are to be completed in the appropriate Congressional unitard.

12 MEDIA APPEARANCES

Each member of Congress, while on camera or speaking into any microphone or bullhorn, or through a rolled up newspaper meant to serve as a bullhorn, whether it be on the House or Senate floor or for any interview or press conference, as an individual or as part of any collective, or as the guest of any news show, tv show, pulpit or podcast, will be henceforth required to hold a 15 pound frozen ham in their arms as if it is their only child. If they happen to be speaking, they shall be required to hold it above their heads and speak only as long as they are able to hold it above their heads without wavering. As long as they are speaking, at intervals of no more than four minutes and no less than three, they shall be required to look up at their frozen ham and chuckle it up with baby talk and give it a little kiss and a nudge of their nose and blow a raspberry on its belly. If they show up without a frozen ham, their faces shall be appropriately covered in shame and the face covering shall bear their name, their district, and their state and they shall not speak upon penalty of expulsion from the House or Senate and the loss of all income, up to and including all bribes, gifts, and other titles, offices and delusions of grandeur after our rightful and true American Monarchy is installed. Also, if any member is incapable of holding up the ham, they are not fit to serve and shall be immediately removed from office.

ADDENDUM: if for any reason, religious or otherwise, any member of Congress refuses to hold a frozen ham, they will be required to hold a frozen turkey of equal weight instead. The ham/turkey rule shall apply for family photos and for any picture or image of any congressional member posted on any form of social media. The frozen ham/turkey shall be a real frozen ham or turkey and may not be photoshopped or added through any form of A.I. ("which stands for artificial intelligence... kind of a fancy thing" per Vice President Kamala Harris)

ADDENDUM TO ADDENDUM: The frozen ham/ frozen turkey will be required to be in members grasp at all times while on camera or otherwise engaged in speech or any sort or form of body language. This of course, will include pre-marital, marital, extramarital, post-marital or non-marital relations. Actual relations with the frozen ham/frozen turkey are hereby disallowed except for congressional staff members who may have such relations with the frozen ham or frozen turkey but only on camera and then and only then in Room 216 of The Hart Senate Office Building.

THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH

13 THE NECESSARY AGE LIMIT

No person shall serve as President or Vice President after having reached the age of 76 years. No person may be sworn in as President or Vice President if during a four year term they will turn 76 years of age. And no person, not having attained the age of 40, shall be President or Vice President or be nominated for such office until the age of 40.

14

EXECUTIVE PAY REFORM

The Salary of The President shall never exceed the median income of the United States. An appropriate401k plan will be offered while employed with a government match of 100 percent. And of course, The President will receive due credit for social security. Health Insurance will be provided by the Affordable Care Act. All investments are to be placed in blind trust.

15 PMQ FOR THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

The President will address the Congress weekly on Wednesdays at High Noon and defend and debate his policies as per the model of Prime Minister's Questions in the United Kingdom. This is a good lesson and a valuable exercise to borrow from our British cousins. It's an awesome thing to watch for any junkie fan of political debate. Our President needs to be put on a DAMN hot spot and made to answer questions, as does his Opposition, and in so doing, keep the Public apprised of The People's Business. Such a proceeding as PMQ will afford The People the opportunity to take an honest measure of both Presidential policies and also The President's mental acuity and fitness for Office.

If our President was held to account for Promises Made and Promises Broken, if our Cabinet Secretaries were held to account for Oaths Taken and Duties Ignored we might have more things in Good Working Order - a lower deficit, a secure border, safer streets, lower taxes. As is, these officials, responsible for so much, only offer excuses in soundbites and short bike rides as photo-ops.

On Fridays - at High Noon - The President will address members of the Press in The White House Briefing Room. If the President is not at The White House he will address them at the same hour local time elsewhere.

Check PMQ out here. It is a most awesome exercise.

Canada has its own version of PMQ, and on YouTube there's a great example of the Canadian PMQ process in action. Conservative Leader Pierre Poilievre puts Prime Minister Trudeau on the spot for a reported quarter-billion dollars worth of questionable funding. Be forewarned, it's a YouTube clip, be prepared to be blared by an ad or two for who knows what but if you don't mind that, please check out the video. It's five minutes well spent and that North-of-The-Border-Canadian-Hilarity can be found right here.

16 REFORM OF PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS

AND

THE LINE ITEM VETO

The President may only issue pardons in his first term within 180 days of the next Presidential Election and only on that day for a period of no more than twenty-four hours. If he is not running for re-election, he may not issue pardons. The Pardon Power is not for quitters. If he loses a re-election bid, he may not issue pardons. The Pardon Power is not for losers. Upon his second term, he may only issue pardons 180 days before the Congressional mid-term election and only for one day and for a period of no more than twenty-four hours. No pardons may be issued for any crime resulting in the death of any individual, no pardons are to be granted for kidnapping, robbery, rape or other sexual offenses, drug offenses or any terrorist related act or any act of Treason or sentence passed by court martial after an initial review period of one year has passed. The President may not grant a commutation of sentence on any of the above offenses. No President may pardon himself. No President may pardon an immediate family member. The President is limited to seven pardons in any single term and the pardons may be granted only to living individuals. If any pardon is deemed inappropriate, unnecessary or excessive, suit may be brought to the Supreme Court within a time frame not exceeding 72 hours after Pardon is granted. The Supreme Court will have 72 hours after suit is filed to decide such case and the overturning of a pardon shall require a two-thirds majority of the sitting Supreme Court. Any pardon appealed is to be placed on hold until the Supreme Court renders its decision but for no more than a period of four days. The President will never again pardon another turkey in celebration of Thanksgiving but shall immediately execute the turkey brought before him on the White House lawn. He will use a small ball-pean hammer or a dull hatchet as the means of dispatch and the choice of implement will probably just depend on the kind of mood the President is in. After the turkey bleeds out he shall pluck and gut the bird, but not dismember it, and have it sent whole to the Congressional Scriptorium for immediate freezing. Then he will immediately make a collect call to PETA on camera and tell them the turkey work has been done. After that call is complete, The President of The United States will state the following truth to the American People, "Football sucks but not as much as soccer. So, let us take a knee and be thankful for that, kinda, sorta, somewhat, not really. And also just know, all our current strife stems from the simple fact that Colin Kaepernick throws like a girl." After this address, The President will move on to other business. And that other business is the killing of the Thanksgiving Pig. It will be no less than six hundred pounds, a wild boar trapped and transported from Texas in best of health. The President shall use the same means of dispatch he used on the turkey - either a small ball pean hammer or a dull hatchet. The Pig, on account of fairness, shall remain unfettered and the Secret Service shall not intervene and the President will be denied use of any firearm. How this all goes down will depend mostly on what kind of mood the pig is in. After the slaughter, Napoleon, that Big Pig from Texas and Our New Leader, will address the nation and will state the following truth: "Four legs good. Two legs bad. Colin Kaepernick throws like a girl." Then Our Dear Leader Napoleon will be escorted to the Oval Office where he will be the first and last to take the Oath of Eternal Forever President. He will most graciously accept a collect call from the President of PETA congratulating him on his new position. Then he will sit down to a fine Thanksgiving dinner of whole roasted President, truffle stuffing and mashed potatoes followed by slices of pecan, mincemeat and pumpkin pie. This first Thanksgiving Dinner will be served in The Oval Office. Afterwards, strong black coffee, cognac and Cuban cigars will be enjoyed in the White House Blue room. As far as the Line Item Veto is concerned, we feel it makes perfect sense. However, now is not the time. We'll be hot-damned if we ever give a man-killing commie pig that kind of power. He ate our President! Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. Two legs good. Four legs bad. Let us go forth and pull some pork.

'Animal Farm' by George Orwell is a good read.

'Homage to Catalonia' by same is pretty damn eye-opening, too.

"Pot Bellied Pig Pets and Other Acts of Communist Infiltration" by Phillip Ignatius Goldmeyer is considered to be Orwell's inspiration for 'Animal Farm' and is one heck of a wonderful read. But alas, it's out of print.

17 THE TITLE OF FIRST LADY

The First Lady shall be referred to as First Lady. The First Lady shall never be addressed as Doctor, unless she is a licensed Medical Doctor in good standing and in current practice, but only while working or tending to other medical duties as an acting physician and then and only then may she be referred to as 'doctor'. Ha-ha-gotcha! Trust us! We know! Women aren't smart enough to be real doctors but all women are smart enough to be called Jill. And so, America, duly note, First Ladies are not elected, but merely serve at the Pleasure of The President in any position he so desires, and as such, they are the First Lady of Choice. To Serve as First Lady, the Prospective First Lady will be required to take an Oath of First Lady on Inauguration Day - she will place her Right Hand on a hardcover copy of The Handmaid's Tale and recite the lyrics of "Stand By Your Man' by Tammy Wynette. The Oath shall be administered by a Notorious RBG hologram. After the oath is taken, she will retire to the White House kitchen to bake Traditional Chocolate Chip cookies for members of the media and other ladyesque professions she finds most becoming. Needless to say, no First Lady will ever be allowed to serve as President or Vice President of these United States, or be elected to any office on the local, state or federal level. Knowing any President within the confines of marital bonds, biblically or otherwise, will exclude one from all such political intrigue. Our nation has learned this the hard way, so, let it be known, the Doctrine of the Hillary Pillory will be vigilantly enforced.

18 THE PRESIDENTIAL UNIFORM FOR MEN

Leather Lederhosen with matching leather tool belt. Leather holster for appropriate side-arm, preferably a .45 ACP. Woolen knee socks and Birkenstocks. Long sleeve white cotton dress shirt, sleeves rolled up past elbows to be symbolic of 'hard work.' Traditional Seppelhut as head gear.

19 THE PRESIDENTIAL UNIFORM FOR WOMEN

If a woman should ever be elected President - and we in no way support such an outlandish proposition - the Presidential Uniform will consists of a Bavarian Dirndl dress with matching leather tool belt. Leather holster for appropriate side-arm, preferably a .45 ACP. Appropriate footwear will be wooden clogs with a heel no higher than one-quarter inch. Headwear shall consists of a simple wreath of flowers picked by the Madame President each morning in the Whitehouse Rose garden. During winter, a wreath of silk flowers will be worn, and no less than seven such silk wreaths will be at her disposal. She will wear a different wreath each day to 'jazz' things up for the media. The media will most likely show no interest in what she thinks and will most likely concentrate solely on what she wears and this is as it should be. The Lady President will only serve at the pleasure of the First Gentleman. She shall also be granted seven Maids-In-Waiting to attend to all the necessary needs of her First Gentleman. No Maid-in-Waiting may be under the age of 18 and will not be over the age of 21 (however, the First Gentleman may grant a waiver at his discretion for any Maid-in-Waiting candidate who is over the age of 21, the exercise of such a waiver is to be known as a 'King Charles'. The seven Maids-in-Waiting will serve at the Pleasure of The First Gentleman in any position he so desires and may not have even a passing resemblance to Margaret Atwood. More importantly, it is exceedingly important no Maid-in-Waiting has ever read Margaret Atwood.

20 ON EXECUTIVE ORDERS

The Executive Order is a necessary check and balance. However, no President may issue more than one-hundred executive orders in any single term, and no more than twenty-five in any one year of a four year term. We offer this limitation with the expectation that the issuance of Executive Orders are to affect only the most important matters in regard to our national interests.

No President may issue any Executive Order that forgives any loan due the Federal Government, unless at the same time he issues an order rescinding all federal taxes for that same year and issues an immediate refund of taxes already paid.

Of course, the last time this country elected an adult and a real grown-up was way back when in 1988. So, the policy on Executive Orders is thus: The President will have no pen. The President will have no phone. The President will have no Power to Issue any Executive Order. The President may continue to introduce legislation. However, any legislation that forgives any loan due the United States must also feature an immediate refund of taxes already paid for that year and the following year and for any year that any loan for any reason is to be forgiven.

Our Crown Prince and Future King - James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig The First - has insisted on legislation that will also remove his right to issue Executive Orders and to limit his power to the simple issuance of unlimited and unconditional Royal Decrees. He is Most Awesome, Most Kind and Most Just, a Manly Man of Most Bountiful Mercy!

21 ON VICE PRESIDENTIAL SUCCESSION

The Vice President shall succeed the President upon resignation or death or incapacity. Until that sad eventuality occurs, the Vice President shall not be heard nor seen but shall be kept in hiding, safely tucked away and hopefully forgotten and never needed.

One quick note, regardless of the sex of the vice President, the uniform for said office will be a scotch-plaid flannel bathrobe. Footwear shall be the prerogative of the Vice President although Crocs are to be preferred. No side arm shall be issued.

ADDENDUM: The salary of the Vice President will never exceed the median income of the United States nor will it ever exceed the salary of The President. An appropriate401k plan will be offered while employed with a government match of 100 percent. And of course, the Vice President will receive due credit for social security. Health Insurance will be provided by the Affordable Care Act

THE JUDICIAL BRANCH

22 TERM LIMITS

No Federal Judgeship will be for life. Federal Judges will be nominated for a single term of 15 years. This includes the Supreme Court and all inferior courts.

23 AGE REQUIREMENTS

No Federal Judge may be under the age of forty. No one under forty may be nominated. Mandatory retirement at the age of 75 regardless of time left on term. All nominees must have a minimum of 12 years as a practicing attorney (excluding service as a judge on a lower court) and be in good standing with their prospective State Bar and also in good standing with the Federal Bar for which application shall be made upon acceptance of nomination if nominee is not yet a member.

24 FURTHER REQUIREMENTS OF NOMINEES

All nominees for all federal judgeships will be required to take the new and improved Supra-Supreme Multistate Bar Exam. It will consists of six-hundred and three multiple choice questions, two hundred and fifty-two fill in the blank questions, as well as seventy-five questions of Mix & Match. A Latin Vocabulary test will entail both written and oral sections and a Rorschach Test will also be given and graded by a proper psychodiagnostician. All questions will be scored, as too, will be the syntax, enunciation and pronunciation on the Latin Vocabulary exam. The nominees will also be required to take a CPR course and give reasonable explanation to the age old question, "If God is all powerful can he make a stone so heavy he can't lift it?" and "What is a woman?" These questions will be answered extemporaneously and then further answered in writing. For the nomination to proceed, the nominee must pass the exam with a Supra-Supreme super high score to be determined at a later date. The exam will be taken in an empty Senate hearing room and broadcast live on C-Span and on other appropriate social media. No outside resources are to be allowed. No phones, tablets or laptops or any other electronic device will be allowed in room while the bar exam is being administered and this shall also apply to proctors. After the exam has been completed in full, in absence of the nominee, the Bar exam shall be graded in the same Senate hearing room and likewise, the grading shall be broadcast live on C-Span and live on other appropriate social media. The nominee will be outside of Washington, DC during grading and not within a distance of 100 hundred miles. The nominee will make this necessary travel immediately after having completed the Bar exam.

No judicial nominee may have a felony conviction, or have had any felony conviction expunged as part of any probationary period or parole or deferred adjudication or plea deal or any other kind of deal with any court or prosecutor. This also includes all crimes committed as a minor where damage to property exceeds one-thousand dollars or where violence or sexual assault has occurred. No pardons or commutations, by The President or by any Governor of Any State or by any other governing authority, are to be made to show favor to any nominee so nominee may meet this requirement.

JUDICIAL DRESS CODE

No Judge may take the bench or enter the courtroom without being appropriately attired in a black judicial robe. All robes are to be identical. The robes are to remain the same no matter what cause may be heard or what case is on the docket. No frills, no collars, no adjustments. No RBG accoutrement. Hands shall remain bare and ungloved. No jewelry other than one wedding ring is to be allowed. No pins, badges or name tags of any sort are to be worn on robe and no judge will be allowed to wear any kind of head covering and the face of any judge on any federal bench must remain wholly uncovered. No make-up is to be worn by either sex. The black judicial robes are soon to be replaced with satin black unitards and each justice will wear a red, white and blue sash drawn tight across the waist. The Law of Just Perukes is currently being drafted, however, some feel that a judge wearing just a peruke might be a distraction to court proceedings. More on Perukes later.

ELECTION REFORM

In Order To Restore Faith, Feasibility, and The True Force of Democracy In Our Elections - our kind Crown Prince - James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig The First - The Just and Most Awesome - of The Royal House of Handsomocity - relays to us the following necessary reforms - reforms righteous, wise and true - upon his ascension to the American Throne - all of which are a cornerstone of good will and common sense and exhibit most profoundly the patriarchal prowess of Manly Leadership.

26

THE TAILOR CUTS THE COATTAILS

No one should be elected on the basis of party affiliation alone and no candidate should be elected on the coat tails of another. Let each candidate be elected on their own merits, their own views and their own policy initiatives. Likewise, no issue should be held up as fodder by any candidate. In order for this to be more likely the following actions will be implemented:

American Elections are to be divided into three simple categories - Local, State and Federal.

Local elections will cover city, township, parish and county elections and all affairs, offices and positions of local effect and authority.

State Elections will cover the state - all affairs and offices thereof - i.e. governor, state legislators, judges, etc. or any other issue or office to be enforced or have authority statewide.

The Federal Elections will be for Federal Office - The House, The Senate and The White House.

Through this simple reform we have effectively cut the coattails and offer the voter a ballot with greater focus on candidates and issues that are native to their jurisdiction. In this way, no local, state or federal candidate or issue will be confused with candidates and issues of other jurisdictions.

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THE TAILOR TELLS THE TIME

Although separation of elections will provide a greater focus, to sharpen the focus even further, local, state and federal elections will be separated by a period of NO LESS than 90 days, or three months. The Federal Election will take precedence over local and state elections and the scheduled day of a Federal election shall be the schedule marker for the date of local and state elections. No primary election - local, state or federal - may occur on the same day or on the same ballot or within two months of any other election.

Elections will occur in the order of Local, State and Federal. No local or state election may follow a Federal Election for a period of three months and may not occur before the Presidential Inauguration or the swearing in of Congress.

Black Friday - The Friday After Thanksgiving - will henceforth be Our Federal Election Day. We can be Thankful for all we have on Thursday and then be Thankful again for our Republic on Friday. And if you can't be Thankful on Friday, you can be Thankful on Saturday or Sunday. Polls will remain open for the three days after Thanksgiving, to open no later than seven a.m. local time and close each day no later than, and not before, eight p.m. local time.

Voters as a whole will be required to consider candidates and issues over the same time frame until the time polls are opened and therefore, there will be NO early voting.

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THE TAILOR TAKES TWO WEEKS

Two weeks after the Black Friday Federal Election weekend there shall be a run-off between the top two finishers regardless of whether or not any candidate won a majority. The top two candidates will face a run-off election and this shall be the rule for any federal election whether it be for House Representative, Senator or for President. The runoff election will begin on a Friday and shall continue on Saturday and Sunday and no Polling place shall open later than seven a.m. and close no later and no sooner than 8 p.m. local time.

All votes are to be counted and certified by the appropriate state authority no later than the following Friday of The Federal Election or Run-Off election.

In accordance with the proper spirit of the Run-Off Election the following events will become a most high tradition -

1 - Bill Clinton will visit the grave of Ross Perot and hand deliver a gracious letter of thanks and place a bouquet of roses before the headstone as we await the results of the Presidential Run Off Election. President Clinton never had a fifty percent majority in 1992 or 1996.

2- George W. Bush will visit Ralph Nader and proffer many gracious thanks and buy him dinner as we await the results of the Presidential Run Off Election. President George W Bush did not have a fifty percent majority in 2000 when he won the election but neither did Al Gore when he lost.

3- Donald Trump will visit Jill Stein and proffer many gracious thanks and buy her dinner as we await the results of The Presidential Run Off Election. President Trump did not have a fifty percent majority in 2016 when he won the election but neither did Hillary Clinton when she lost.

4- And Libertarians All will gather in a chorus of dark laughter and Animal Sacrifice and will hit the Golden Corral for steak, baked potato and unlimited salad bar after their joyous occasion. They will also chant in a continuous and well enunciated monotone - 'Rank Choice Voting is Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. Rank Choice Voting is Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. Rank Choice Voting is Stupid, Stupid, Stupid," and Krist Novoselic, former bass player for Nirvana, will accompany them on a double bass provided by D'Luca, a premium manufacturer of acoustic instruments. After that, Krist Novoselic, David Grohl and Pat Smear, will stop by my place and play the entirety of Bleach, Nevermind and In Utero in wonderfully quiet acoustic versions and the vocals will be performed by Sade Adu. That would be cool, really friggin' cool and I think Sade could really open up the space with an incredibly original take on something like "Smells Like Teen Spirit." This would be great, in the most rarefied sense of the word. Also, in that vein, Bob Weir of The Grateful Dead singing Willie Nelson songs would be pretty damn righteous, too. I think Bob Weir would do a wonderful take on "I'd Have To Be Crazy" and I damn sure wish Lyle Lovett would hit up the Sinatra catalog. However, during the quietly acoustic performance of Sade, Smear, Grohl and Krist, Our Crown Prince, James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig, shall quietly accompany them on his own guitar - fretting the C-chord - the only chord he really knows - on the latest innovation in acoustic guitar design - The Relationship-Saving- Pining-for-Lost-Youth Stringless Fretboard. So, if at some point in your life, you've bothered to acquire the musical skill that only a mother can truly love, the Stringless Fretboard was made with you in mind.

A Run Off Election will Most Likely Prevent Any Candidate Acceding To High Office Without a Majority of The Popular Vote. A Majority of Fifty Percent or more will be the most likely result. However, we are a Republic, and this is a Union of Fifty States, and each State will have a slate of electors in our Electoral College, the slate of electors will still be equal to the number of a State's Representatives and Senators in the Congress. The Votes of Electors will be decided by the vote of each state where the popular vote has always reigned and will continue to do so.

Interesting Fact - the only Presidential Race where a candidate won a majority of the Popular Vote and still lost in the Electoral College occurred in the Tilden-Hayes contest of 1876. The 1876 Presidential election still holds the record for highest voter turnout at a record 82.6 percent. However, even this election was a four-way race between the Republican, Democrat, Greenback and Prohibition Parties. Run-off elections are necessary for the proper functioning of any republic and will be needed to restore faith in our elections. The top two finishers in any federal election need to face off in a run-off election for the good of the nation, and not only for the good of the nation, but for the very survival of our nation. We can no longer allow third party candidates to dictate election results by spoiler effect. And no matter the side you might be on, you would probably not have suffered through Bill Clinton or George W Bush or Donald Trump if a run-off election had occurred.

29

ELECTORS AND THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

Electors of any state must represent the majority of that state and not the majority of any other state or several states combined. However, states may divide their electors by percentage if they so desire, but only by percentages that have occurred in their respective state. As such, all electors must faithfully represent the voters of their state.

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ABSENTEE VOTING

Absentee ballots will be made available for those above the age of seventy-five and for those with a verifiable disability for which they receive disability payments or are on medical leave or those suffering from a severe chronic or terminal disease that they are receiving medical treatment for. Any one who has not reached the age of seventy-five or who has no verifiable disability, disease or condition and casts such a ballot shall be guilty of a felony, with imprisonment of NO LESS than six months and not to exceed two years and a fine of NO LESS than 10,000 dollars and not to exceed 25,000 dollars.

Excepting these two categories, no blank ballot is to be mailed out for any election, local, state or federal. And even with these exceptions, blank ballots mailed will not exceed five percent of the registered voter population. No one is denied the right to vote at the polls, but a ballot mailed is not a right, it is a convenience and a privilege.

No American ballot will ever be mailed to a foreign country or through the mails of a foreign land. Those living abroad will receive a ballot at the local American embassy and the ballot will be cast at the local American embassy on the same day it is received. No blank ballot will leave the embassy. Ballots will be available throughout Thanksgiving weekend at any foreign embassy and through the same hours - seven a.m. to eight p.m. local time. These embassy hours will also apply to the federal runoff election. All ballots will be transferred to the United States for counting via diplomatic pouch and the diplomatic pouch shall not be opened until its arrival at the proper place for ballot counting which will take place somewhere around twenty miles due north of beautiful Belle Forche, South Dakota.

The U.S. Military shall continue with elections as per current policy. However, all ballots of overseas service members will be transported back to the United States mainland for counting via the Military Airlift Command which shall deliver said ballots twenty miles due north of beautiful Belle Forche, South Dakota. A landing strip for such purpose shall be constructed twenty miles due north of beautiful Belle Forche, South Dakota.

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POLLING PLACES

Only four places will suffice as proper locations for a polling station - a local public school, a local public library, a United States Post Office or a Local, State or Federal Courthouse. Courthouses may not be polling places for elections that are not part of their jurisdiction. Local Courthouses will serve for Local elections, State Courthouses for State Elections and Federal Courthouses for Federal Elections.

There will be NO drop boxes allowed.

There will NEVER be any online voting allowed.

Appropriate official ID will be required to receive a ballot and vote and ballots will be received only at proper polling places and only in the voters assigned district. Only U.S. citizens are allowed to vote in any local, state or federal election.

Each voter will be assigned a voting precinct and each voting precinct will be required to have three times the number of blank ballots as voters assigned to any particular location. No less than sixteen voting machines will be present at each Precinct. Assigned machines for each Precinct will be tested two weeks prior of any election.

The voting machine in all elections shall be of the hybrid model and uniform across the nation. Paper trails are mandatory, and such paper trail is to be paved with paper ballots.

Only registered voters of a particular precinct will serve at said Precincts and no one taking part in vote counting or election oversight may be paid by any individual or corporation, non-profit or otherwise but only by the local, state or federal government for which the election is taking place and where payment is due.

All Federal Ballots will be printed by the Federal Government and Uniform across The States.

All State Election Ballots will printed by the State and Uniform Across all Counties and districts of that State.

All Local Election Ballots will be printed by Local Authority and will be uniform across the locality.

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REPEAL OF THE MOTOR VOTER ACT

No Department of Motor Vehicles or Department Of Public Safety or any other state agency other than a local, state or federal courthouse or U.S. Post Office may register any voter or provide any form of voter registration.

Voter registration must be completed ninety days before any election day.

All courthouses and every branch of the U.S. Post Office will have a separate waiting line, a separate voter registration window and separate service department for voter registration and only voter registration.

Valid Proof Of Citizenship will be required.

Voting is both a right and a duty, the seriousness of which is conveyed when the task of registration cannot be combined with any other task for the mere ease of convenience. If you want to vote go down to the courthouse or to your local post office and register. You might even have to wait a bit but the bleeding and the pain and sacrifice of life for this right have already been paid. Lucky you and lucky me.

33

RESTORATION OF VOTING RIGHTS

No one convicted of a felony may vote until an equal time of sentence has passed after original sentence has been completed in full. The time of original sentence shall not be shortened due to early release, good behavior or parole. For example, if a felon has been convicted and sentenced to a prison term of five years, a period of five years must pass after the original five year sentence has been completed without further criminal conviction of felony or misdemeanor. No felon convicted of any sexual offense, kidnapping, child abuse,elder abuse, or for any crime that results in the loss of life or bodily harm or threat thereof, shall have the right to vote restored and neither shall a felon convicted of robbery, burglary or of any other felony with aggravating circumstances have the right to vote restored nor for any crime committed with any type of weapon, firearm or any felony violation of state or federal firearms law. This shall in no way imply the restoration of the right to bear arms for any convicted felon.

IN CONSIDERATION OF VOTING REFORM

WE OFFER A DAMN HUMBLE ADDENDUM

OF

AWE AND WONDER

Much to our surprise, and dare we say our displeasure, Our Majesty has decided that women can continue to vote. In the proper parlance of the hoi-polloi, this is known as an 'f-ing bummer'. We endeavored to ask our Crown Prince and Future King why he had made such a decision. His answer (the words of our Crown Prince and King are always printed in Royal Red) is as follows:

"Whenever and wherever commonsense is implemented, women tend to carry on most insanely. Let me quote an old Gay Rodeo Bull Rider who I worked with on a construction site one day down in Texas. We got to talking about women's suffrage and wondering if repeal might be a good idea and then I wondered if all the effort would be worth the cost and he said something that made great sense -

"Nah, Repealing Stupid ain't worth it. Hardly ever is. Idiots put Stupid in place, and then smart folks like me and maybe you, get yelled at when we talk about the world getting Smart again. Shoot, you just gotta slick that ol' pine rosin on the bull rope just so, all good and slow and hope that ol' bull rides you to paradise, if you know what I mean. ( I do not know what he means) I guess for compromisin' we could go ahead and make sure most women folk ain't doing their monthly lady thing during any election cycle but how in tarnation we gonna pull that off? Who knows. Maybe you might with the right kind of science and the right kind of MD doctor man sayin' lady voters on their monthly need a touch of the ol' social-interruptus of say, six feet or so, and maybe a kind of Maxi-pad masking kind of thing might work or you know, a bomb-sniffing German Shepherd or something like that, and then we'll just kick a few people out of the Army for good measure.'

"Now, let me add a most interesting anecdote, this former Gay Rodeo Bull Rider actually believed a tall, straight, broad shouldered guy like myself, a Crown Prince, and future King, couldn't fill up a big dent in a dirt drive with a few shovelfuls of dirt. Weird right? But I guess a Gay Rodeo Bull Rider is pretty weird to begin with, but truly, even the most common County Sayer knows nothing is gayer than a gay rodeo bull rider from Texas."

Lo, Behold! Be Witness to his deed! Our Crown Prince and Future King has done what Our Government refuses to do! He humbly filled a pothole! He even listened to the din of a man of reddish neck and discotheque persuasion! We are witness to Our Majesty's most brilliant wisdom! Truly, Our Nation is most blessed by his Majesty's most awesome presence! And may that Gay Rodeo Bull Rider always have his bull rope forever well rosined! May his neck never tan and may his Disco & Western vinyl collection continue to grow! And so, we offer the only hope we know, in a most brave and hearty chant of Go King Jim Go!

34 TO BE CARVED IN STONE

None of these requirements for voting, elections or ballots are to ever change under duress, for any event whatsoever whether it be rain, hail, sleet or snow or for fire or flood, meteorite or comet, or for war, acts of terrorism. threats against the government or its People, or for impending doom or any actual pandemic or current plague.

TAX REFORM

It is the duty of each citizen to fairly pay taxes to a fair and just government and the duty of a just and fair government not to unfairly tax the citizen.

Vain-Glorious politicians speak in a language of trillions while the American millions mumble the humble patois of the ill-provided.

Make no mistake, the IRS agent is NOT your friend.

No IRS Agent will be allowed to visit the home of any taxpayer where tax liability is

under one million dollars.

Neither will they be able to execute search warrants or be armed or have power of arrest.

EXCEEDINGLY SIMPLE

Taxation will be simple and offered on a flat rate basis of five, ten, fifteen and twenty percent.

up to 100,000 dollars the tax rate shall be no more than five percent.

101,001 up to 250,000 dollars the tax rate shall be no more than ten percent.

250,001 to 500,000 dollars the tax rate will be no more than fifteen percent.

over 500,000 up to 10,000,000 dollars the tax rate will be no more than twenty percent.

After 10,000,000 dollars the tax rate will be no more than thirty percent.

Anyone living at or below the poverty level, or at ten percent above it, will be excused from paying taxes.

There will be no wealth tax.

ATTRACTING BUSINESS

Corporations will pay a tax on all income of no more than nineteen percent and no state may levy an additional increase of more than two percent and no local authority may do so.

INHERITANCE TAXES

No income from any source, when inherited, will be taxed if said value is under five-million dollars and then the value of anything over five-million dollars will be taxed at the rate of 25 percent.

HELPING HAND TO A COMMON MAN

Any interest paid to any citizen, under the amount of one-hundred thousand dollars is not taxable and exempt from all taxation of any sort.

PROVIDING A SENSE OF PRIDE AND PLACE

Property taxes on any homestead will not exceed three percent of property value and every seventh year of ownership, no taxes will be owed or paid on a homestead or home property where primary residence is maintained. This will apply to any homestead or farm or residence of 100 acres or less. Any owner over the age of sixty-seven, having lived on said property for over twenty years, will not pay property taxes.

VACATION PROPERTY

Vacation Rental properties will be taxed at a rate of twenty percent as will second vacation homes.

RENTAL PROPERTIES

Taxes on Rental properties that serve as a primary residence for tenants will not exceed three percent providing annual rent does not rise more than five percent per year but such tax will be raised to thirty-five percent if rent increases more than five percent in any one year or ten percent over any six year period.

THE HAPPY TAX MAX OF THE TWO PERCENT

No local or state authority may levy taxes on a primary residence in excess of two percent.

HOLDING THE STATE STEADY

No tax increase will be implemented, and no tax will be decreased either, without the approval of three-fifths of the House or two-thirds of The Senate.

BALANCED BUDGET AMENDMENT

A balanced budget amendment is more important than ever. The near-dead oldies of Pelosi, Schumer, Sanders and Maxine Waters, and those of their ilk and like and kind, are shackling the young, the unborn and even the middle-aged and elderly, to an impossible debt that cannot be paid. There is to be no deficit spending. If the federal government incurs a deficit a 1.5 percent federal sales tax on ALL goods sold will be implemented. No exemptions. If after one year the deficit is still incurred, across the board budget cuts are mandatory. All cuts will be equal. If the federal government raises the Value Added Tax above 1.5 percent the income tax will be abolished. The combined sales tax of both the States and Federal Government shall never exceed ten percent and where it does States must lower their sales tax rate to match ten percent or lower.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE

In order to restore safety to the general population, protect the right of property and private ownership, restore civility to our society, and in furtherance of a true justice the following reforms will be instituted.

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MAKING BAIL

No bail shall be issued for any crime, be it felony or misdemeanor, that results in excessive property damage, in bodily harm or death, or for any sexual assault or kidnapping or act of arson or any other crime resulting in violence, robbery or the use of a firearm or other weapon, or for complete disregard to the public peace or well-being, nor for rioting or any misconduct during any protest. And no one convicted of a previous felony or misdemeanor, violent or non-violent, will be given bail. Only individuals may post bail and bail may not be posted by any corporation for profit or otherwise or any other charitable organization and bail may not be posted anonymously.

46

PERSONAL RECOGNIZANCE

No PR bond may be issued for any crime that may result in a prison term of one year or a fine in excess of two-thousand dollars. And no person in violation of immigration law will be issued a PR bond or bail of any kind.

47

BONDING FEE

No bail bondsman may issue a bond for less than forty-percent fee of total bail required. Nor may a bail bondsman accept any collateral that is less than 120 percent of value of the bail required nor may the bondsman provide any loan or payment schedule to satisfy the bail.

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PRIOR FELONY, ESCAPE, AND FAILURE TO APPEAR

No bail is to be permitted for anyone with a prior felony conviction or who is out on a current bond for another crime in either the current or different jurisdiction. Nor for anyone with a history of escape or prior failure-to-appear citation.

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ANKLE MONITORS

No defendant ordered to wear an ankle monitor shall be charged any sort of fee for either the installation or use or removal of such device and any individual ordered to wear an ankle monitor shall be fitted with four separate ankle monitors and no more than two shall be fitted to each leg unless one leg is missing, than only two will be allowed on the remaining leg. If there are no legs, no ankle monitor will be deemed necessary. However, a phone with an appropriate tracking app will be required, and if defendant has no such phone one will be provided at no cost to defendant. If defendant removes any one ankle monitor he will be responsible for cost and replacement and will serve no less than one year in jail for each ankle monitor removed. If found guilty of the crime(s) for which he was been indicted and issued ankle monitors, the one year prison sentence for ankle monitor removal will be served consecutively and each charge of removing an ankle monitor shall also be served consecutively and not concurrently for a total of no more than four consecutive years. However, this in no way means that a verdict of Not Guilty on the other charges excuses him from penalty of ankle monitor removal and charges for said crime must be brought. There is no prosecutorial discretion in this matter. Ankle monitors may not be removed or tampered with.

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CONSECUTIVE SENTENCING

If any defendant is found guilty of any felony resulting in the loss of life or physical harm, sexual assault, kidnapping, or harm to a child or any act of arson, or elder abuse, or robbery or of any aggravating circumstance to include the use of any weapon or firearm or threat of death or bodily injury, all other charges brought before the court and where a guilty verdict is pronounced will be served consecutively and no sentence for those crimes will be served concurrently and this will include any credit for time served, meaning time served may only apply to one sentence for any one crime.

51

PAROLE REFORM

No felon convicted of any crime will be granted parole until seventy percent of the sentence has been served. This provides no guarantee that parole will be granted after seventy-percent of sentence has been served.

No felon convicted of the following will be eligible for parole: murder, kidnapping, sexual assault, harm to a child or elder abuse, or any act of arson, or robbery or of any crime with aggravating circumstance to include the use of any weapon or firearm or threat of death or bodily harm.

Any felon convicted of a crime eligible for parole but having past conviction on any crime ineligible for parole, will not be eligible for parole.

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GUN CRIME

Any crime committed with a firearm will be a separate federal offense punishable by not less than seven years in a federal prison. A federal trial will commence within 180 days of state conviction. Sentence to be served immediately upon completion of any state sentence or release from any local or state facility. No sentence for a Federal firearms violation may be served concurrently.

PRISON REFORM

Prison is to be a place of rehabilitation as well as punishment but rehabilitation will be the primary focus. No state or federal prison, no local or county jail, may be owned or managed or leased from or to any business or corporation. All prisons will be solely run by the government.

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INDUCTION

All male inmates will receive a haircut and hair will be no longer than a quarter-inch off the scalp. This hair length will be maintained by all inmates through length of sentence. No pony tails, no braids, no hair-do's of any sort, for any reason, religious or otherwise. Hair is to be cut once every two weeks. No beards or mustaches or sideburns allowed for any reason. However, in order to lower the success rate of any escape attempt, the prisoners appearance will not be altered, no hair, beard or mustache or sideburns will either be cut or trimmed until arrival at the state or federal prison induction center and then it will occur within the first twenty-four hours after arrival.

All tattoos will be duly described, photographed and noted. No new tattoos are allowed. Anyone caught with a new tattoo received in prison will be guilty of a misdemeanor punishable by not less than six months and no more than one year and time shall be served consecutively. Anyone guilty of giving a tattoo will be guilty of a misdemeanor punishable by not less than one year in prison and by no more than eighteen months. Sentence to be served consecutively and the first day of said sentence is to begin on inmates release date.

All inmates will be housed in prisons separated by sex and sex is not chosen by the inmate and no prison - state or federal - will pay for any form of gender transition or any other voluntary hormonal treatment and no one shall ever ask a Prison Warden or any Prison guard if they'd rather have a living daughter or a dead convict. No one born a male will ever be housed with females or vice versa.

Each inmate will be given five sets of prison garb and no head gear of any sort is to be worn, unless it is a winter cap or a shade hat to be worn during outside work details and both will be provided by the state and no clothing other than that provided by the state may be worn at any time, excepting white or gray socks and then only on the feet.

Each and every prisoner will be issued a wrist watch and be required to wear it from wake-up through the end of the working day.

Prisoners will be given the right to have tattoos removed by a professional tattoo removal service provided at state or federal expense. However, this is an all or nothing proposition, all tattoos must be removed and if any tattoo is replaced then the prisoner will be responsible for reimbursing the government for entire expense of the original tattoo removal work. The prisoner will be provided the opportunity to have any new tattoos removed but not at government expense. Also, this will in no way affect the mandatory sentencing for the misdemeanor committed which will be additional prison time of no less than six months and no more than one year.

54

LIVING CONDITIONS

No prisoner will be housed with another prisoner after processing is complete. Each prisoner is to have their own cell, and their own bed with nobody above it and nobody below it. Each cell will be separated from the neighboring cell by a distance of twenty-five feet and no cell will directly face another or be within view of another cell. Each cell will have a shower and a toilet. Each cell will have an analog clock with second-hand sweep. Each cell will be modeled after a soft version of SuperMax in Colorado but this in no way implies a permanent lockdown status of any sort. The inmate will also be allowed to personalize assigned cell to a reasonable extent and the bed will not be made of concrete and neither will the desk or chair, however, in any one prison all beds, desks and chairs will be uniform and of the same model and manufacturer. The shower will run daily on a timer for ten minutes. Any purposeful flooding by inmate will result in a shower and toilet ban. The inmate will be responsible for clean up. After such an act, there will be Communal Confinement for not less than ninety days. After Communal Confinement, there will be only cowboy showers and two large coffee cans provided for wastes - one for liquid, the other for solids - and the inmate will be escorted under guard to a proper disposal area each morning after each can has been appropriately sealed in his cell. The shower and toilet ban will be in effect for 180 days after the inmate returns from Communal Confinement but only if standards of conduct are met.

Radios and tv's will be allowed but will only be available for prison programming. All tv programming will be trade oriented - auto-mechanics, woodworking, electrical work, design, etc. and no news or opinion programming will be aired. All radio programming will consists of ONLY instrumental music in the classical or jazz format and no music recorded after 1960 may be played and all music with lyrics will be banned excepting Beethoven's 9th Symphony and other pre-1960 symphonies and all Classical Opera music recorded before 1960 is also to be allowed. No country music, no blues, no rock-n-roll, no soul, no hip-hop, no dance music. NOTHING is to be played that was created after 1960 although recent studio remasterings of pre-1960 works are allowed. However, an exception will be made for any recording by Anita Baker, America's finest vocalist ever, on New Year's Eve. All her works may be played if so desired but only on New Year's Eve sometime after six p.m. and before lights out at nine p.m.

Each prison is to have an extensive library of books and magazines. No more than two books may be checked out at any one time for a period of three weeks. Each book may be checked out twice. Only printed material is allowed. Brail and Audio books will be made available for those who are blind or have extremely poor eyesight or have a diagnosed learning disability that makes reading difficult.

All prisoners will be grouped according to reasonable expectation of behavior and potential risk to staff. All such classification will necessarily take prisoners entire criminal record into consideration.

Gang members will be separated and members of the same gang will not mix with each other or members of other gangs.

Solitary confinement will not exist as a punishment, but rather, such punishment will now be Communal Confinement, requiring the individual to share a cell with another inmate in a single cell with no more than five individuals in any one cell but no other Communal Cell will be put to use until the previous Communal Cell has five inmates in it. There will be no tv, no radio, no reading material allowed. All bedding will be on the floor and there will be two larger coffee cans provided for communal wastes and a rotating schedule of prisoners in said cell will be escorted under guard to a proper disposal area each morning after each container of waste is properly sealed.

Properly led calisthenics will be required for all prisoners each morning after bunk is made and cell is cleaned. No inmate will be allowed to lead such calisthenics.

55

WORKING

All inmates will be required to work both indoors and outdoors with reasonable accommodation made for age, illness or injury. Work details will entail swamp clearing, road tarring, laundry detail, kitchen duties and other such tasks as found in Cool Hand Luke and The Longest Yard and The Shawshank Redemption. Bogs Diamond and his crew will be kept forever in Communal Confinement with no coffee cans and with them, so, too will be kept the Creepy Guy who killed Caretaker in the original version of The Longest Yard. The Creepy Guy will forever be their 'Super Star'. We have not yet seen the remake of The Longest Yard but look forward to it when time allows.

56

WARDEN AUTHORITY

Each Prison will have an assigned warden with ultimate authority over rules, regulations, privileges and punishments, work assignments and job training within that Prison other than those provided for in this section entitled PRISON REFORM. All the above reforms, including haircuts, will apply to women's prisons as well.

EDUCATION REFORM

In order to make sure our children don't take up a life of crime and end up in prison, that they are capable of carrying their own weight and may enjoy a fruitful and rewarding life, massive education reform is most necessary for the continuance of our society. It won't be easy and it won't be simple. But steps must be taken to hold public schools accountable and rid our education system of Teacher Unions.

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THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR

Not as a topic, but as a question. What is a lowest common denominator? Is there a 'nominator' in math? And is 'de' some sort of prefix? And in the sense this term is used, as in the heading of this paragraph, doesn't this denote more of a political sense than a mathematical one? Could a person be the lowest common denominator? Could the term 'lowest common denominator' mean setting a standard at such a low bar anybody can attain some guise of an education that in the end, means nothing, shows nothing and denotes no achievement? Could the lowest common denominator be social promotion? Or the teachers union? Or the worst teacher in the school? Or is it just an excuse for a bad student? Or a bad Principal? Or bad parents? A single Mom? A missing Dad? Could the lowest common denominator be all of these things at once? Did Erwin Schrödinger really name a sick cat Garfield? And shouldn't he have taken the dead half to the vet? Or maybe just the half that was still alive? Was 'The Cat in The Hat' by Dr. Seuss really about Shrödinger's Cat locked in a box with a guy named Geiger and a plate full of lasagna? And if this is true, and even if it's not, is there something missing in the box? And what did Shrödinger mean by EDP? Is there a formulation behind it? Some sort of like-mindedness? Can light really bend and can anything be in any two places at once? How in the heck does a mirror work? Before that question can be answered, we all have to look into it.

58

PEDAGOGY

Murdered in 1972. Our dear Professor Pedagogy was surprised by a Pop Quiz and repeatedly beaten and stabbed through the heart with a no. 2 pencil and smothered to death with a Scantron sheet by a huge student body, Requiescat in pace, dear Professor Pedagogy.

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THE SOLUTION

If you don't open a book you won't know what's in the middle of it, or at the beginning or at the end. Students have to open books. Too many students at failing schools just won't open the books. No matter how great the teacher, the teacher can't teach a student that makes no effort. There is no magic to it. And the closest thing to a miracle the teacher can perform is the lyrical and mystical act of chanting 'Here you go' while handing a child a number 2 pencil and a Scantron sheet. The only solution one has is the solution of self. That's it. That's the only thing that works. Figuring out what you're good at and then turning that into a means of support of a reasonable sort. And also know this, as sure as a great teacher can't make you open a book, a bad teacher can't keep you from reading it. So, Rock on young people and here's a question to get you going - where do three roads meet? And here's a quick dictionary task - look up the word Quadrivium.

Give parents hope, give children a chance. We need working, competent Charter Schools. Options are important.

Ban all cell phones from all school campuses.

Not even a hand held calculator should be allowed in a math class,

Sadly, the gray matter of the American mind continues to muddle and dim.

Homeschool if you can.

Public Educations is over.

KNOWLEDGE IS GOOD

Emil Faber, illustrious founder of Faber College and the leading manufacturer of tweed during Our Hallowed Gilded Age, had it absolutely right. Knowledge is good. And so are italics and a good thing is much better than most things, although not the best thing and that's true, too.

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DEBT IS BAD

And the Federal Government should not be foisting unforgivable and ever increasing debt onto our youngest adult citizens. No trade school, no junior college, no university should benefit from Government-backed guaranteed indebtedness on those that attend any institution of higher learning. All trade schools, junior colleges, and universities will provide their own loans at their own risks as well as full-ride scholarships as they see fit. There will no longer be any government money set aside for prospective students to go to college, whether it be loan or grant, unless it is in return for the Solemn Obligation of Military Service. What's happened to higher education is quite simple - it's turned into a fat mutt bitch nursing the witch's teat of government funding. It is also sucking the very life blood out of the American Youth. Greed has replaced tweed. We must replace the greed with tweed. The plan is simple but the path is not an easy one.

61

OPEN ADMISSIONS

No college or university operating under an open admissions policy will receive any form of state or federal aid. There is a need for real tweed at such institutions, also, a dearth of elbow patches and proper smoking pipes has been reported.

62

GRADUATION RATES AND COMPETENCY

Admission rates will be tied to four year graduation rates. The number of students admitted will always match the number of four year graduates from the preceding year. No student admitted to a University or Junior College will be below the minimum standards required for college level work and therefore no college or university, offering any remedial class in math, science or English, will receive any form of state or federal aid, and no student in need of such a class will be admitted. No institution not requiring the SAT/ACT will receive any state or federal aid, either or any form of tax emption. The same formula will serve the two year institutions of junior colleges. There's a most urgent need for tweed on the American Campus.

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STUDENT DISCIPLINE

We have a lack of student discipline for many reasons. One of the reasons is this: Universities have devolved from having a proper Student Body to having a Guaranteed Customer Base (provided at taxpayer expense) and, as we all know, the Customer is always right. Regardless of this banal truth, the University needs to start tamping down on gross acts of misconduct and disrespect by expelling students who yell, scream, shout and otherwise act childishly or violently. There is no excuse for it and anyone currently on a student visa guilty of such conduct will have the visa revoked and be removed immediately from the country and will no longer be permitted within our borders. Sadly, our Universities have lowered standards in all regards. There is a need for tweed and that need has not been met. Surely Our Crown Prince and Future King, James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig The First, shall quench our thirst and heed our need for tweed! And oh, lo and behold, he bringeth us high and fine regard for elbow patches, too!

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STUDENT PROTESTS

Student protests are fine as long as they are peaceable. But no protester may wear a mask of any sort, nor cover their face for any reason if protesting. All protestors will have the courage of cause and show their face. Anybody threatening anybody, acting in an intimidating fashion, chasing anybody down, will be expelled. Invited Speakers are not to be shouted down or disrupted. Anybody doing so will be expelled. There is a most dire need for tweed on the university campus.

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FREE SPEECH ZONES

The Free Speech zone of any university shall be bordered by the Atlantic Ocean in the East, the Pacific Ocean in the West, the Nation of Mexico and The Gulf Of Mexico to the South and the Canadian Border to the North. Such borders will change as geography demands with other non-Mainland States and territories. But you still can't yell fire in a crowded theater. Literally. That said, Universities should not have movie theaters or women's basketball. Both are a waste of a young mind's time. More old-school tweed, please and so, in that vein, one in four professors will be pipe smokers. Only Meerschaum pipes may be used and only Virginia tobacco may be smoked. Elbow patches required.

66

AFROCHEMISTRY

The Study of Black-Life Matter

Chem 125

'Students will apply chemical tools and analysis to understand Black life in the U.S. and students will implement African American sensibilities to analyze chemistry. Diverse historical and contemporary scientists, intellectuals, and chemical discoveries will inform personal reflections and proposals for addressing inequities in chemistry and chemical education. This course will be accessible to students from a variety of backgrounds including STEM and non-STEM disciplines. No prior knowledge of chemistry or African American studies is required for engagement in this course.'

- RICE UNIVERSITY CATALOG 2023-2024

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AFROBIOLOGY

The Study of Black-Life Biology

Bio 125

Students will apply biological tools and analysis to understand Black life in the U.S. and students will implement African American sensibilities to analyze biology. Diverse historical and contemporary scientists, intellectuals, and discoveries in biology will inform personal reflections and proposals for addressing inequities in biology and biology education. This course will be accessible to students from a variety of backgrounds including STEM and non-STEM disciplines. No prior knowledge of Biology or African American studies is required for engagement in this course.'

This course will aim to further advance Melanin Theory through the use of neo-Freudian analysis and symbolism. The scientific texts of Dr. Frances Luella Wellsing and Dr. Leonard Jeffries will be studied in

depth as source material.

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AFROPHYSICS

The Study of Black-Life Physics

Phys 1619

Students will apply physical tools and analysis to understand Black life in the U.S. and students will implement African American sensibilities to analyze the laws of physics. Diverse historical and contemporary scientists, intellectuals, and discoveries in physics will inform personal reflections and proposals for addressing inequities in physics and physics education. This course will be accessible to students from a variety of backgrounds including STEM and non-STEM disciplines. No prior knowledge of Physics or African American studies is required for engagement in this course.

This course will aim to dispel racist rumors that the laws of physics are universal and equally applied.

* Rice University would like to thank Professor Claudine Gay for authoring the definition of Afrophysics 1619 and we look forward to her thesis currently entitled 'Special Black Relativity And The Black Dilation Of Black Time And General Tardiness And Plagiarism As white-Construct

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AFROSTRONAUTICS

The Study of Black-Life in Space Flight and Space Travel Systems

STS 107

Students will apply astronautical tools and analysis to understand Black Lives in Space Flight and further implement African American sensibilities to analyze Astronautical principles to analyze Afrostronautics. Diverse historical and contemporary scientists, intellectuals, and Afrostronautical discoveries will inform personal reflections and proposals for addressing inequities in aeronautics and aeronautics education. This course will be accessible to students from a variety of backgrounds including STEM and non-STEM disciplines. No prior knowledge of aeronautics, astronautics or Afrostronautics or African American studies is required for engagement in this course.

And further, the course will also analyze the racial distribution of gravitational pull in outer space as well as the Black Power Paradigm present in orbital inclinations of six degrees of separation or degrees of greater inclination, quantity or consequence. A brief survey of Black Safety Protocols, Black Launch Sequencing and Black Oxygen Requirements in Black Space Travel will be presented. This course will aim to dispel racist rumors that Black Safety Protocols, Black Launch Sequencing and Black Oxygen Requirements and other requirements for Black Space Travel Systems are the same for white space travel systems.

*Rice University would like to thank Professor Nikole Hannah-Jones of Howard University for authoring the course description. We would also like to thank NASA and the NASA DEI Office for their complete cooperation and for living up to the NASA Motto - 'For the Benefit of All'

Other courses soon to be offered at Rice University in the near future:

Afroethics 180 - On The Direction of Life Ethics

Afrocentrism 420 - The Apologetics of Our Isis in Crisis

AfroChristmas 1225 - The True Meaning of Kwanza and Karate Batons

All Afro-prefix courses to be graded on an Afro-curve

We would also like to welcome Dr.Frances Cress Welsing to Rice University

and look forward to further advancements in Melanin Theory.

AND NOW FOR A DAMN HUMBLE ADDENDUM

DAMN would like to Congratulate Rice University for having the Academic Foresight and Courage to Offer Such Visionary Courses of Study. The Four Courses are Most Heartily endorsed at DAMN and are Included - Each As an Individual Theses - in The Long Arduous Path of Making America Great Again - and so we must offer a DAMN hearty thanks for this most brave effort. Rice is truly the Crown of The Old Magnolia League. Again, we thank you.

DEI

Liberté-Egalité-Fraternité

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EQUITY IN CAPITALIZATION

In the interest of fairness, common decency and respect, the grammatical act of Capitalization should be of a Diverse, Equitable and Inclusive distribution. The words yellow, brown, red and white are to be capitalized when referring to other races that are not Black.

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EQUITY IN CAPITALIZATION

In the interest of fairness, common decency and respect, the grammatical act of Capitalization should be of a Diverse, Equitable and Inclusive distribution. The word Black when referring to the People who are Black will now be spelled in all caps, i.e. BLACK People. Therefore, there is no longer a BIPOC, but only Bipoc.

EQUITY IN CAPITALIZATION

In the interest of fairness, common decency and respect, the grammatical act of Capitalization should be of a Diverse, Equitable and Inclusive distribution. Only the People of Pure BLACK Blood may reference themselves thusly. Any person with one drop of white blood, brown blood, yellow blood or red blood, or with any tendency toward timeliness or Socratic dysphoria, may only capitalize the 'B' as in Black - or more to the point - a capital B in front of the word 'lack', as in a person 'lacking' the true whole blood of Social Justice and Diversity. Any person claiming to be BLACK while having a single drop of lesser blood, shall be guilty of the crime of Blacking, which is the crime of claiming to be BLACK while 'lacking' the true whole blood of Social Justice and Diversity; however, these One Droppers are far from the whiteness plaguing our BLACK World and have the genetic superiority (mostly) of the Sun People as opposed to the Ice People. There is also the matter of Sammy Davis, Jr., and others of his ilk and kind, a matter which must be dealt with directly at a later time.

IMMIGRATION

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" -

- said no Texan ever North of the Rio Grande

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"YO OCHO BIEN!"

This is how you say, "I ate good," in Spanish.

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E-VERIFY

E-Verify will be mandatory. There will be no exceptions to this, either private or public. Anyone using a false i.d. or stolen identity or any other fake document, including false or stolen or borrowed social security number, will be guilty of a felony and serve a minimum of two years in prison after which they will be immediately deported back to nation of origin. Such preparation as is needed for deportation shall take place as soon as conviction is in place so said deportation will be conducted immediately after sentence is completed in a process to be known as 'from prison to bus or train or plane'.

75

HI-B VISA PROGRAM

"The H-1B program applies to employers seeking to hire nonimmigrant aliens as workers in specialty occupations or as fashion models of distinguished merit and ability."

- Department of Labor Website

We are in total disagreement with our government. There are plenty of American women who are hot enough to be on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, but the fact is, they just aren't man enough to be on the cover anymore. Also, there's an American out there for any job that needs to be filled. They do however, require a salary that will support an American standard of living. Hopefully, when the Apportionment Act is repealed and new districting has been implemented, and with Our Common Giganticon standing tall in steel and glass (somewhere 'round about twenty miles due north of beautiful Belle Forche, South Dakota) maybe then the duly elected reps of Our New Term-Limited-Un-Crooked American Congress will look out for Me (ever the royal 'We'), and maybe even you, instead of the Chamber of Commerce.

76

REMITTANCE TAX

All money sent to an international destination will be subject to a 12.4% federal tax and all such monies raised shall be used to enforce our borders and increase the size and effectiveness of our Border Patrol including increase in salary and further, to evict all Cartel activity from the United States, especially drug manufacturing/farming on our public lands and human trafficking. No money may be used to settle any individual within our borders who has immigrated here either legally or illegally.

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ILLEGAL ENTRANTS

All illegal entrants captured at border will be processed and sent back to their native country within seven days. Illegal entrants may not make an asylum claim. Before removal all illegal entrants will be vaccinated according to the U.S. vaccination schedule and be tested for transmissible diseases and STI's. Forcible quarantine rules will remain in effect for people found to have TB. All immigrants will be fingerprinted, DNA collected and all health details loaded up to appropriate database. Further attempts at illegal entry will result in a 90 day jail sentence and then increasing by a measure of 180 days for each offense that occurs after the first. Such jails will be independent and operated solely as jails for illegal entry. After sentence is served individual is not to be released until transportation is ready for immediate departure.

Any illegal entrant who lives here illegally will be deported when discovered. If the illegal entrant has a family, the family - if here legally - will have the choice to accompany said illegal entrant at government expense back to country of origin. If any other member of said family is here illegally, they too shall be deported. This will take place within 30 days.

No illegal entrant may apply for, or possess, a drivers license or operate a motor vehicle and to do so will be considered a felonious act punishable by not less than six months in jail with immediate deportation to follow at end of sentence.

Any illegal entrant in violation of any DUI, DWI, or Public Intoxication Law is to receive the maximum punishment allowed by law followed by immediate deportation after completion of sentence or release from local or state facility.

There will be no Comprehensive Immigration Reform. No bill on immigration will be comprehensive and no reform will in any way help illegal immigrants be settled inside the United States. Only reforms that move illegal immigrants back to their place of origin more quickly and efficiently will be allowed.

No bill or legislation should ever be 'comprehensive'. Never trust a politician pushing anything 'comprehensive'. Anything 'comprehensive' pushed by any body of politicians, including our Congress or any NGO or Lobbyist Group, is by its' very nature, comprehensively crooked. It is an attempt to install blind spots, hide facts, and alter truth and camouflage true intent through excessive length, legalese, and boilerplate. All politicians lie, exaggerate and steal; the difference between politicians is only a matter of degree, and the longer the politician has served, the more crooked that politician is and the more grievous the degree by which these wrongs are committed.

The only acceptable goal for illegal immigration is zero illegal immigration.

Terminus terminus nunc.

And let us now hope, that Google has translated our good and righteous thought into the proper Latin.

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THE MELTING POT

and Our Bitter American Fondue

We are in the process of becoming a brittle and balkanized Republic of Strife and Prideful Indifference. This is leading to an erosion of Our American Principles and the strident weakening of God Given Rights we have taken for granted for far too long. All immigration will cease for a period of ten years and so, too all claims of asylum of any sort. English will be made our Official Language and no ballot will be printed in any other language than English as will no other government document. This is not in any way meant to demean other languages or the people who speak them, but rather to unite us as a People. A People without a common language are not a Nation. We must become One - The Strong Whole of a Single One - absent all distractions of race, creed, color and national origin that may come between us and a Common Language is necessary for the attainment of this noble goal. After immigration resumes, it will not exceed one-tenth of one percent of the US population entire for any one year. There will be no immigration lottery, no one without necessary skills or means of support admitted. No child born to anyone on a tourist visa of any sort, will be granted Citizenship, as will no child born of any parents visiting from nations that are not required to have Passports or Visas to visit our shores. No chain migration will be allowed. No immigration will be allowed from any Nation other than a full democracy in good standing and no one from any nation without Freedom of Speech, or with any hate speech provisions, including the United Kingdom and Ireland, will be permitted and neither will anyone be permitted from any nation with a blasphemy law. And alas, any natural disaster, war, act of terror, or other horrific disaster that may occur on foreign shores will no longer be our concern. All survivors of such events are forewarned to seek shelter elsewhere. This is not permanent, and we will offer help both financially and materially as we always have, but now we find ourselves in a state of anemic weakness and we must help ourselves before we can further help the world. America requires a century of healing.

After the ten year ban on immigration has lapsed, immigration will resume as previously stated, and the ten year ban will be implemented again every twenty years.

FOREIGN POLICY

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ONE NATION - ONE PEOPLE - ONE CAUSE

The First and Foremost Objective of Our Foreign policy will be to provide freedom, peace and security to the American People. We are no longer the sole policeman of the world and we will no longer burden ourselves with such expense. We will give reasonable aid and a fair share of it, although rarely will we provide the majority of such aid. We will however, gladly proffer such aid if other partners live up to our own largesse. We will walk quietly with a Big Stick.

No American Embassy may fly any flag other than the Stars & Stripes nor may any mural, painting, billboard or any other signature of support for any U.S. domestic cause be displayed inside or outside any embassy.

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TRADE

Global trade must be reciprocal. When access of any American product is denied access to a foreign market, like products of that foreign market must be denied access to our market. Such tariffs, duties and taxes deemed necessary to provide reasonable security to American manufacturers, farmers and producers will not be considered unreasonable or as a hindrance to good business practice. We will demand reciprocity in all things - whether it be access to foreign universities, research and design, or access to real estate or other markets - we will demand reciprocal generosity, and we will only allow what is allowed us in turn, we will only grant to foreign powers what foreign powers grant us and then, and only then, if it is of mutual benefit or to our advantage. One nation - one people - one cause. The objective of fair trade policy must be to provide freedom, peace and security to the American People, without these things no society - nor the American People - will prosper. We will trade quietly with a Big Stick.

81 FOREIGN WARS AND OTHER INTRIGUES

The primary objective of our foreign policy is to provide freedom, peace and security to the American People. As such, the Monroe Doctrine remains in full effect and we will continue to monitor our vested interest in both the Pacific and Europe.

As always, our thoughts on Taiwan will remain a mystery.

The War in Ukraine is tragic but we cannot spend Ukraine out of that horror and into the peace they expect and demand. Eventually, they will have to sit down and negotiate a peace with the Russians. When that happens who knows. When it won't happen is after a Ukrainian march through Russia and onto Moscow to burn down the Kremlin. What it won't end up with is Putin on trial. Ukraine will eventually have to bargain, to cut losses and save what's left. This is not a happy ending, but unfortunately, it will be the only ending.

After the dissolution of the Soviet Union, we would have made Poland an immediate member of NATO as a symbolic corrective to the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. After this, there would have been no more NATO expansion.

NATO members will start paying their fair share for their own defense. Although we are more than willing to help out in a dire time of need, it is not the responsibility of the United States to guard European borders when we seem to have forgotten how to guard our own. The burden is too much, the expense too high and yet, we are still here to help.

It is our belief that Israel has the complete right to defend itself and we will help Israel when we can and how we see fit and when and how we see fit is neither up to Israel or anybody else. We truly hope Israel will use any force deemed necessary within reason and with the utmost regard for civilian life. We would like to see a two state solution but if there ever were to be a two-state solution, the search for that solution was killed on October 7, 2023. Israel did not kill this solution, Hamas did. It is a sad miserable fact that civilian men, women and children get caught up and killed in wars that are not of their making. This war is a direct result of a Hamas act of terror; an act of most severe brutality to include rape, child killing, kidnapping, murder, and torture and other acts so outlandish and vile they strain credulity. The only thing that held this massacre in check was the logistical inability of Hamas to carry it any further. Have no doubt, if they could have, they would have herded all of Israel, and every other Jew beyond its borders, onto boxcars headed for Babi Yar. We hold the words 'Never Again' sacrosanct.

We will always work toward peace and we will always prepare for war.

Anybody who threatens us will not be ignored but taken at their word.

We will carry a Big Stick. And we will keep score.

We do not wish to fight beyond our shores.

MILITARY REFORM

THIS WE'LL DEFEND

82

AND WE NEED PEOPLE TO DEFEND IT

The US Military will no longer engage in politically correct public relations. The US Military will not celebrate any holiday based on race, sex, or sexuality. The US Military will stop lowering standards in expectation of increased recruiting. This has had the exact opposite effect. We also realize that when addressing any one specific group, we are excluding another specific group. Also, we will make no attempt at addressing the public at-large and we will never accept the at-large standard of appropriate speech. It is far too soft and childish in this day and age. We will address the target audience, which is only young people who might have an interest in joining up. We will not care about what anybody else thinks. We will disregard any criticism of politicians who have not served and we will do the same for celebrities and journalists of self-import. A young man raising his hand to take an oath without regard to where he might end up is a most manly thing to do, and we need young men to man up, we need young men to be manly. This is not for everybody and so we will not try to make it a fit for everyone. Of course, this probably won't happen anytime soon. We need a Commander-In-Chief worthy of trust and service. Joe Biden is not that man and neither is Kamala Harris. Trump is not that man and we don't much think Nikki Hailey is much up to to the task, either. Neither is RFK, Jr. However, to help out in a pinch we will make Hunter Biden Secretary of The Navy. America is in a pickle. Please let it be Bread & Butter.

83

INCREASED TRAINING AND STANDARDS

The US Military will increase physical standards for both men and women and no military specialty or rating is exempted. The US Military will remove women from on-the-ground Combat Arms. The US Military will re-institute same sex Basic Training. No recruit is to have a cell phone during recruit training. Pay phones will be available at specified times. The US Military will increase fire arms training and live range time for all service members. The US Military will offer live-fire range practice for any service member during off-time at Permanent Duty Stations when possible The US Military will provide a gym for both aerobic and anerobic exercise when possible. The US Military will increase 'analog' skills training, Map and Compass skills specifically. The military will bring back bayonet training and hand to hand combat skills during basic training as well as horseback riding and proper saber-play and jousting lessons, these will provide entertainment for the Royal Family.

84

TRANSITIONING TO COMMON SENSE

The US Military will not allow any member to 'change' their sex, nor will it support any form of 'transition'. All recruits and service members are either male or female and are born as such. This is the only recognition of sex and gender the military will provide its members.

85

CONFLICTS OF INTERESTS

No one leaving the service, of any rank, either commissioned or enlisted, may serve on the board of any Defense Contractor for a period of ten years after End of Term of Service. No former service member may serve as Secretary of Defense for a period of ten years after End of Term of Service. Also, no current member of our Armed Services, whether enlisted or commissioned, may post any video or photo to any form of social media or any other outlet on the internet without Division Approval or its equivalent. Nor may any member lodge complaint, or engage in any dispute in public or online with fellow service members or their chain of command, up to and including mission or living conditions.

86

WEAPONS

We need cheaper weapons and more of them. We need less complex weapons systems, too. We need something just as cheap and simple as a Bangalore Torpedo that can reach out and touch someone - miles and miles away - which means more fun stuff like the Flying Ginsus but only cheaper. We need to fully enlist the use of drones in our efforts and we need to realize that large weapons platforms such as tanks, self-propelled and towed artillery pieces, aircraft carriers and surface ships and manned submarines, will soon be obsolete if they aren't already. We need cheaper tanks, cheaper aircraft and cheaper ships and subs. And we need them to be mostly unmanned drones. Let the Ukraine War be our guide, both on the ground and on the Black Sea, and let us be well aware that the Ukraine War is but the first go with these new weapons. Tactics will evolve to match the ever-evolving advancements in these systems. We must be quicker and more agile in our response. Preparation for war often serves as a prevention of it. The next big war we fight will be with a near-peer competitor and with such an adversary we won't be graced with a long period of regional build up. Things will get awfully bloody, awfully quick. And how quick it might end is anybody's guess. We must be quick and nimble. Shock and Awe will rest on the shoulders of every soldier in the field. And it will rest on the fingers of a keyboard far far away as well. The future is undetermined but the nature of war will not change: War is Hell.

Let us be prepared.

COMMON SENSE

A LIST OF QUICK FIXES AND UNCOMMON CURES

87

TORT REFORM

Fiat justitia, et pereat mundus

It's a very simple solution.

No Contingency Fee may exceed 12%. Lawyers may collect 1% for each juror - a twelve man jury would equal
12%, a six man jury 6% etc. Judges are superspecial, and with their superspecial wisdom, they are almost equal to a six man jury, therefore, a Contingency Fee of no more than 5% will be applied to bench trials.

No Contingency Fee may exceed 5% on a Class Action Lawsuit.

Any Class Member is to be paid in cash, not with gift cards or any other discount, service or product but cash, payable by check, without cost or fee to Class Member and the amount paid must be equal to the minimum economic damages of individual Class Members, i.e. if one Class Member is out twenty bucks, that Class Member will get twenty bucks. Also, no one will be required to Opt Out of any Class action lawsuit but rather Class Members will need to opt in.

The Plaintiff will pay legal expenses when the Plaintiff loses. However, it will not be the individual that bears this cost, but the law firm that argues the case on behalf of the Plaintiff.

Defendants in individual cases are not to be held responsible for re-imbursing attorney fees if they lose in court. They did not ask to be there. The judgment is judgment enough.

Any lawsuit against the government on either the local, state or federal level may not be settled out of court but must go to full trial. In cases where the government is found liable, appeals are to be made until all appeals are exhausted. The Plaintiff's lawyer will be charged court costs and attorney fees if Plaintiff loses.

No jury award in a case against the government may exceed 2 million dollars. No jury award resulting from a suit against the government is subject to any tax whatsoever.

Law firms may only advertise in print. No advertisement for a law firm may be broadcast on t.v., the radio or on the internet. Print advertising is fine excepting bill boards. Sign-spinners are encouraged.

We not only have a glut of lawyers we have a glut of bad lawyers. As a corrective measure, and to bring the good name of lawyer back to proper renown, we will shut down a majority of law schools. Any law school with a median LSAT score of 165 or below, or a first time Bar Exam passage rate below 85 percent will be closed. Then after those law schools are closed, half of the remaining law schools will be shut down for good measure. We will start with Harvard and Yale. Those wonderfully bright students will be transferred to Oxford to study the Law of Monarchy and to be fitted with the appropriate perukes. Our perukes will be of a more diverse nature and will be mandatory when standing before any local, state or federal court, of either civil or criminal jurisdiction and to include regulatory bodies and commissions as we see fit. Judges will wear longer perukes as do the judges in the United Kingdom, these perukes will be of a 'One Love', 'Get Up, Stand Up' nature that will send a quiet message to be read as Judicial Dread and the demand that we all respect the proceedings of the court.

Any graduate of any law school, after having passed the Bar Exam, will have a two year apprenticeship to be served as a Paralegal before being allowed to Practice before the Court. Until such time, they are barred from wearing a peruke, which is but a small price to pay for a more perfect justice.

88

THE ROYAL ACT OF MY LOINS

And the Dispensations of Roe V Wade

Safe, legal and rare.

But Bill Clinton never mentioned fairness. This was the oversight. The oversight is in the absolute inequality built inside the Abortion debate as Abortion is practiced in these United States. It is practiced with a most miserable, unjust and unfair misogyny and this can no longer be the case. We wish but for equality and fairness between the sexes.

We have ignored, or at best, forgotten the two ply problem of unexpected or unwanted pregnancy. The unfairness of this situation is ripe for reform and the Royal Act of My Loins will do just that.

Whereas, People are ignorant of the most basic fact in the facts of life, we shall lay that fact down in the simplest of terms -

X marks the spot and Y makes the march

With this fact now known we shall offer to unencumber it of any confusion, it is simply put as -

it takes two to tango

So, to better facilitate fairness between the sexes, this act will offer a so far unheard-of-equality between the sexes.

WHEN A WOMAN FINDS HERSELF PREGNANT

And decides to keep the child, the father of said child will have the absolute and unimpeded right to access any Planned Parenthood Clinic, or any other abortion provider, and pay for a forced abortion in absentia. This will relieve the father of any moral, financial or spousal support of any kind or sort, and will also relieve him of any such support owed the child, of any kind, whether it be emotional or financial, or of any other kind or sort. The father will simply walk into the clinic and chant six times, "My Y, My Choice!" and then pay for the abortion and wait for the abortion to take place. When the abortion is ready to take place the man will be called forward and after taking off his trousers and ever-so-sexily removing his man-panties, his feet will be placed in stirrups and then an enema by suction will take place. This will take approximately a half-hour. Any remaining fecal matter will be taken care of through dilation and curettage and this will entail a clean scrape of the anus, rectum, the sigmoid colon, descending colon, transverse colon and ascending colon. For the health of the father, and since abortion is healthcare, all fecal matter collected will be checked for occult blood. After the procedure has been completed, the father will be escorted to the appropriate office where he will receive a License Of Infant Non-Semblage relieving him of all duties associated with fatherhood, adulthood, manhood and the future. Before the License is issued, it will be stamped with the Official Seal that will denote this as an affair due the attention of The Royal Act of My Loins Ministry and after the License is issued, he is free to go, unfettered by fatherhood, with the freedom of knowing he has exercised his right under the My Y Royal Act of My Loins. The issued License Of Infant Non-Semblage certificate will be suitable for framing.

WHEN A WOMAN FINDS HERSELF PREGNANT

And decides to abort the child, the father of the child has the unimpeded right to show up at any hospital and wait in the maternity ward for nine hours – one hour for each month. Vending machine money will be provided in the form of tokens. After nine hours, an announcement of a live and successful birth shall be made by the attending physician or nurse or appropriate member of janitorial staff, after which, the father will be granted quick access to family court which will immediately grant him child support for the term of 18 years to be paid by the mother of the aborted child. However, the father will be responsible for paying the hospital for the delivery of his baby for which he may address the court to be reimbursed by the mother.

IN CASES OF RAPE AND INCEST

She may keep the child or abort but only after a police report has been filed and a rape kit collected.

In cases of incest a DNA test must be conducted.

OUR STRUGGLE

Our society is blessed with an overabundance of civility, to freely give and freely take and so we roll headily down the highway toward Our Just Perfection. We no longer suffer the blind, or the defective or the deaf, we no longer scar our path with club feet nor must we suffer the inconvenience of other imperfections. Our society will be more efficient and truer to progress when we no longer let our collective psyche suffer the impediment of empathy. The superlative prowess of our human spirit is only increased when shorn of witless worry and thus we can bring our world to heel, We can look about and be justly proud of our accomplishments and yet the mission is far from finished, but isn't it a wonder, in our euthanistic age, that our nation's salvation arises from an odd resurrection, for he is risen from his bunker tomb and blitzkrieged every womb with a "Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil! Mein Körper gehört mir! Seit tausend Jahren!"

THE NATURE OF ABORTION

No matter the reason for an abortion, the reality remains the same. No one can undo the screw and so there is no undoing. There is only an unmaking, a killing and a cancellation. And the afterbirth is but a slow unwinding of time in a shade of would've, could've, should've and might've been. It is a harbor of darkness, an anchor weight of nowhere unfettered by existence.

89

THE EMPEROR HAS A NEW GENDER

And a bonus hole to boot! No worries, America! There's a doctor out there somewhere willing to tear you a new one! But this in no way makes it right and offers no cure for gender dysphoria and neither will a lifetime supply of hormones and dilators. Have no doubt, Big Trans is under the banner of Big Pharma. There is no true transition, only true delusion. It's all a hard sell and a slick-quick con, it's a pair of Pronoun Hustlers in His and Hers working the He/She Binary for all its' worth. They're working that empty loom in a palace room - as weavers of beavers and stony bone. Only the truly enlightened will witness their works, only a genius is able to see, that The Emperor has a new gender, indeed!

90

OH, HOLY FLAT SCREEN

The tip-top-top of any t.v. bezel may not be placed any higher than 51" inches from the floor. This should give one a round-about eye-level view of everything to be seen on the screen while sitting in a nice, fat chair. Feel free to place your tv lower on the wall if necessary. If your tv is just too big to be no more than 51" from the floor then get a new tv. Stop looking up at all those folks telling you what to think and what to do and how it is and how it ain't. Best just to keep that big screen tv nice and low and look down on the rich ivory-towered bastards before you and know one thing: no matter how much you watch FOX, CNN, MSNBC or ESPN and wherever else those freaks of geek and klieg may hide, they will never see you, they will never hear you and those rich tv folks don't much want to, either. And if ever a t.v. reporter asks you for a comment, snap back that you want five percent of the gross on the ad revenue for the hour you air in and be sure and get residuals, too. Always remember, in today's journalism, all is fair in love and show business.

91

THE SMARTPHONE

Just so you can make sure that the thing is really off - along with all the apps keeping track of everywhere you go and everything you do, you say, you think, you wish, you want, you need - all smart phones, whether it be Apple or Android or any other operating system or design, will be manufactured as to have an easily removable battery like the simple flip-phones of olden times. This includes both laptops and tablets as well.

92

PORN GALORE AND EVEN MORE

The unbridled debasement of bizzaro-sex in blitzkrieg continues. What the result of open and shameless access to hardcore porn has done to the young mind will not show up in full frontal view for another six weeks or so or maybe even Monday after next. And whatever shows up, won't be pretty. But it won't matter too much because we won't notice. The world before the Blue Bombardment will be considered quaint and unenlightened. We roil on a slow boil. Social Media is porno, too and all the Tweakin' Freak Flags are flying high. Humanity, at its best, flies half-staff in the mirrored past. We officially nominate the internet for disinvention.

93

THE DRUG WAR

Veni Vidi Vici

There is no war on drugs. Just like there's no war on rape, murder or robbery. And if ever there were a war on rape, murder or robbery, somebody out there would argue making these things completely legal would be much better than losing the war. They might even say the illegality of these things has led to mass incarceration. If you think we have a problem with drugs now, just wait until the Corporate Board Of Phillip Morris begins to push them. The kids are gonna love Joe Camel and you'll be walking a mile for same in no time. And if you're worried about the cartels, you can check out the cartels here. If it's not one thing, it will be another. In the meantime, legalize every last drug there is - absolutely every single one - and things will get better fast. Fentanyl is Our Friend! In the meantime, it's a buy and hold on Phillip Morris.

94

ON PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

No live audience whatsoever will ever again be present at a Presidential Debate. Let all the candidates deliver their well rehearsed zingers, cut downs, and one-liners to the pin-drop quiet of an empty studio. This ugly side of show business has gotten way out of hand. It's been a complete disaster that has only debased any prospect of serious debate. However, canned laughter is most appropriate for every last one of those cornball bastards.

95

FALLING BARN

And The Dirge of Sweetest Urge

It was a good barn. An honest barn. A strong barn. And one day, a single shingle slipped free. And then another slipped off top the old barn roof.

Beneath the sea of grass there is nothing now. And what once stood is no more. It was a good barn, an honest barn, a barn with Bessie the Milk Cow and Holly the Collie that kept ol' Bess company. There was hay up to the rafters and horses, too and children played about. It was a big barn, a strong barn, an honest barn and the days went idly by and played away in a genteel banjo strum. And one day, sadly, Holly the Collie got run over on the highway, yet another dog killed in a cruel Splat and Dash by some Ritalin popping wokester on their way to nowhere. The cow lowed and then ol' Bess died of a broken heart and there was no milk and there was no butter and there was no cheese and there was just a touch of hunger where no hunger had ever been heard nor seen. Soon, the farmer's wife left the farmer for a store clerk and she left the kids, too and she moved to a town far, far away. She enjoyed collecting the late payments from the people who bought on credit at the store. And when the yokels ran late, it was some heckish fun hearing all those excuses; she especially liked the ones where someone was sick or dying or dead. Those excuses were kind of like spooky ol' ghost stories but only better because she didn't have to wait for Halloween to hear them and she always got the Happy Ending by counting up their money in the end. Back on the farm, there was never ever a Happy Ending, not even once! The farmer started drinking, and he liked it a heck of a lot more than keeping the roof on that ol' barn. By the time that Passel of Hassle had turned six, seven, eight and nine, they all got work at the Big Beautiful Coal Mine and moved away. They didn't much stay in touch with Ma or Pa and they did just fine getting fed running up debt at the company store. Once they even saw their Ma and had to tell her why they'd be late paying for their groceries yet again, "You left and Dad's a drunk," and their Ma smiled and marked up the interest with a late fee and said, "Work a little longer, work a little harder, and get this paid off and make your Ma proud!" And they did work longer and harder at the coal mine to make Ma proud but Ma didn't seem much to notice. But boy-oh-boy, those kids knew how to work! They were just small enough to fit into the nooks and crannies of the Old Mine that the Big Beautiful Coal Mine thought played out. But one day the Old Mine gave way and the kids were never heard from again. Ma didn't much mind, she heard spooky excuse stories of the sick, dying and dead all the time and Pa with his bottle didn't seem to mind too much either. The Big Beautiful Coal Mine could at least say that particular mine was finally played out and the company took a big, fat, tax deduction. The CEO of the Big Beautiful Coal Mine called his Congressman and both his Senators and he told 'em one and all he needed more kids for other mines, but those darn American kids wanted a whole dollar a day and that was a whole lotta money and even with that the darn kids couldn't pay off their bill at the company store and what in the world was the Big Beautiful Coal Mine to do? That's ok, the Congressman said, "Yep," said Senator One and "Yeppers," said Senator Two, and the three of them went off in a chorus "we got plenty of kids who can swim a river a few miles south of here and they all work cheaper, too!"

And now, if you look deep into that sea of deep-green grass, you will see nothing where that ol' barn stood. And it's almost like there was nothing there and nothing was meant to last and people ordered out for pizza and the pizza showed up cold and if you looked deep into the grease stain on the pizza box you might get to thinking something had gone wrong, that something was missing. And on the t.v. there's the rich holier than thou, and the red, white and blue waves in a gentle breeze and only a name or two is seen across the screen and it gently reminds you to vote - because there's only a greasy screed left over from the American Dream - so, this go 'round Let's Finish The Job and Make America Great Again.

But there is no hope, there are no jobs, and there are no kids, and there is no Church and there is no marriage, and all the eats and meats are sky high down at the grocery store and there's plenty of debt to go around to make you happy and plenty-o-taxes, too!

Anyhow, The Good People gave up on The God Trip long ago and have a kind of mad, angry, useless hope in the Party Folk to solve their problems and so Government is the New Big God and the Big New God gives it a go and nothing gets done because Government is no god at all and the old lesson from our forebears has long been forgotten - God helps those who help themselves. And so, if you look hard enough and long enough into that greasy skidmark on the pizza box, a miracle doth appear and whispers in your ear - "Anomie, Anomie, Anomie."

It is hopeless, it is dissolution. It is hunger and it is thirst, eternal and hurtful. And it's awfully, unlawfully sad but then again, it ain't half-bad, because inside the darkness, a light doth shine, a Crown Prince and Future King has come our way, so please, dear Fellow Americans, this November 5th, when you walk into that booth and see that ballot of busted dreams and broken hope, go ahead and whisper DAMN to The Man and strike a write-in vote for James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig The First! And never ever forget - The Chaos of Common Sense is Our Only Sword! The First Amendment Our Only Shield! The Write-In Vote our Only Way! Dear Vox Populi, we have the Math on Our Path! We shall never surrender!

GO KING JIM GO!!!

And so, let us sing...

THE DIRGE OF SWEETEST URGE

Our New American Anthem in One Easy to Remember Verse!

To Open with Fireworks and Cannonade in A Most Mesmerizing Intro of One Hour!

Fate is a tempest,

Thou art but a whim,

Our Nation Calls For Greatness,

In a King called Jim,

His name is Jim

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jim, Jim

Jim-Jim!!!

While Singing the Dirge of Sweetest Urge - a Hymnal Bliss To Our New King - The People Shall Sing Sweetly with Hands Placed Atop Their Heads with Fingers Gently Interlocked in Love!

(fyi: the stance with hands atop head and the fingers interlocked will also include the face to be humbly lowered - this is to be known as the Stance of Lucky Chance and will replace both formal bow and curtsey when meeting His Royal Highness - Our Crown Prince and Future King - James Ehrlichman Reinhard-Koenig The First)

To Finish Simply Ding a Service Bell but Twice at End of The Seventh Singing of This Most Auspicious Verse! Yes, we know, The People will want to sing it even more but alas, The People will have to get back to work.

Our Crown Prince and Future King,

James Ehrlichmann Reinhard-Koenig The First

Beseeches His Most Righteous People

Call their Congressman! Call their Senators!

And Leave a message!

Sing Our New Anthem Loud and Proud!

Please Don't forget to mention the following:

OUR MOST DIRE NEED FOR TERM LIMITS

OUR MOST DIRE NEED TO PASS THE BILL KNOWN AS THE

BAN CONGRESSIONAL STOCK TRADING ACT

HOUSE DIRECTORY HERE

SENATE DIRECTORY HERE

95 THESES FOR THE REFORMATION OF THE AMERICAN REPUBLIC

THE DAMN PLAN

THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH

1

TERM LIMITS

2

AGE LIMITS

3

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CONGRESSIONAL PAY REFORM

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4

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PUBLIC TAX RETURNS

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5

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THE APPORTIONMENT ACT OF 1929

To Be Repealed

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6

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READING SPEED ALLOWANCE

7

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THE OMNIBUS BILL

8

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THE CONGRESSIONAL OFFICE OF AUSTERITY

9

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THE CONGRESSIONAL STAFF OF AUSTERITY

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10

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THE LAW OF CODPIECE AND TASSELS

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11

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CONGRESSIONAL HOUSING

12

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MEDIA APPEARANCES

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THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH

13

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THE NECESSARY AGE LIMIT

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14

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EXECUTIVE PAY REFORM

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15

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PMQ FOR THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT

16

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REFORM OF PRESIDENTIAL PARDONS

AND

THE LINE ITEM VETO

17

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THE TITLE OF FIRST LADY

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18

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THE PRESIDENTIAL UNIFORM FOR MEN

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19

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THE PRESIDENTIAL UNIFORM FOR WOMEN

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20

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ON EXECUTIVE ORDERS

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21

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ON VICE PRESIDENTIAL SUCCESSION

34

TAX REFORM